Dating violence and your mental health

One of the saddest situations is hurting someone under the disguise of love. Unfortunately, abuse in the dating setting happens much too often. A third of adolescents are victims of abuse by a dating partner, while 43% of college women experience violent or abusive dating behaviors. Clearly, things can go sour long before moving in together or saying, “I do.”

Dating violence happens in many ways. Most commonly, there can be physical, sexual, verbal or emotional abuse. This doesn’t have to be extreme behavior in order for it to be legitimately abusive. You don’t have to break bones – a slap or a shove is physical violence, too. Rape is one form of sexual assault, but unwanted touching is as well. Verbal abuse may escalate to threats, but can start out with name calling or simply making you feel bad about yourself. Before controlling everything you do, an emotional abuser may start with something seemingly minor, like insisting you dress a certain way or constantly asking about where you are and what you’re doing. Abuse is abuse, no matter the degree, and abuse is wrong.

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There is a high emotional and psychological toll to dating violence. It sets up a pattern that allows for future abuse. It increases the risk of drug and alcohol abuse, as well as risky sexual behaviors. These things, if unchecked, can lead to a lifetime of pain. It gets so bad that half of all young people who experience both dating violence and rape attempt suicide. 

You can also experience mental illness as a result of dating violence. Depression, anxiety, phobias, posttraumatic stress disorder and sexual concerns are but a few of the potential results. Even if no specific disorder manifests, therapy may be necessary due to the stress and distortion resulting from being in a violent relationship. 

Unfortunately, leaving these types of relationships can be risky. If someone can hurt you while claiming to love you, you bet (s)he can retaliate if you try to end the relationship. Timing and safety are very important when leaving abusive relationships. This is one reason professional help is important. Creating a safety plan can honestly be a life-saver. If you are experiencing dating violence, talk to your therapist. If you feel you are in immediate danger, call 911. Otherwise, a list of some additional resources are below.

Loveisrespect

www.loveisrespect.com

1-866-331-9474

Text loveis to 22522

Chat available on website

National Domestic Violence Hotline 

www.thehotline.org

1-800-787-3224

Chat available on website

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)

www.rainn.org

1-800-656-4673

Chat available on website

Have you experienced dating violence? Share your stories and advice in the comments.

Taking risks in therapy

   

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We all have something that we don’t like to talk about. While therapy is an appropriate setting to explore these issues, we sometimes hold back on certain things — even in that context — out of fear. “Will I sound crazy?” “Will I be believed?” “What will my therapist think of me?” “What are the consequences of saying this?” “Will my therapist think less of me?“ These questions and more prevent us from being completely open in our treatment. 

But if you never take risks, you won’t progress when it comes to those issues. In fact, they may become worse as feelings of shame, embarrassment, guilt, hostility and unworthiness fester inside of you. The fact that you won’t talk about the topic becomes an issue in and of itself. 

The first obstacle you need to pass is trusting your therapist. You can read more about that here. In short, developing a strong therapeutic alliance in a safe relationship allow you to be more open. Keep in mind the ways in which your therapist has been trustworthy in the past. If you remind yourself of these things, opening up might not seem quite as impossible.

Still, even with trust, it can be hard to explore certain topics. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to talk about a series of events that happened a few years ago. I had been seeing the same therapist I’m seeing now at the time these things happened and my irrational fear was that I’d remember things wrong and become discredited. But I have yet to find a way around those fears. So what could I do?

It got to a point where my only options seemed to be to keep quiet and never heal or to take a risk and see what happened. After years of deliberation, I decided to just go for it and see what would happen. For me, that meant telling the story regardless of my fears. So I did. 

I was not prepared for how well that went. At first, I addressed my concerns about how he might remember things differently than I did. I asked my therapist to not go back and read his notes from the time in question and he agreed to follow my request. This removed a lot of pressure. 

It’s going to take a while to get through everything. And that’s okay. Breaking the larger story into smaller segments allows me to do a little each week. This way I get insight into each part, which helps me understand the larger context at play. While the content is very difficult and, at times, triggering, I’m feeling better about myself and am more realistic about my role in those events.

Jumping in is not always the solution, but I’m pretty sure that at this point in the post, you have a specific issue or situation in mind. Test the waters. See what happens. Be honest about your concerns. You can discuss them before you get to the actual content. But when you’re ready, opening up despite fear can be extremely healing. I know it has been for me.

What risks have you taken in therapy? How did it work out? Tell us about it in the comments.

5 techniques for the moment you are overwhelmed

We all have those moments where we are hit with something overwhelming. Whether it be an argument, a panic attack or a piece of bad news, our gut reactions aren’t always the most helpful. That’s why it’s important to have coping strategies for those first few moments. Try one of these techniques the next time you need to stay calm while dealing with a big emotion.

1. Use breathing techniques

There’s a breathing trick I have been using lately to help calm down and refocus. First, you close your eyes. Feel everything that’s inside you and pick a word that best describes your emotions. Now, forget about that while you breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts and breathe out for eight counts, thinking only of your breath (or, if you’re like me, the counting). Do this three times, then check inside again and label your emotion. You should be seeing at least some improvement. Keep doing this as many times as you feel necessary.

  

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2. Accept the situation

There are things we simply cannot change. They happen and we have to deal with them. Instead of thinking thoughts like, “This can’t be happening!” or “That’s completely wrong!”, try just accepting it. Your outrage is not going to change the situation. Accepting is not the same as agreeing. Accepting means facing reality for what it is instead of delving into your own pathology. By trying to make something different than what it is, you are wasting your time and mental resources. Make the decision to accept whatever happened and then see how you can have a helpful reaction.

3. Take a break

There are some situations that have to be dealt with immediately, but often you don’t actually have to respond at once. When you are overwhelmed, step aside from the incident until you can gather yourself. You can tell the others involved that you need a moment, but you can also take a timeout without letting on why. Just go to the bathroom or say that you need to check that you turned off the stove. Anything is helpful. Another trick for smaller breaks is to have a drink with you. When you need a moment, just take a sip. It’s amazing how big of a difference a few seconds can make.

4. Ask for help

If someone else is in a position to be helpful, just ask. If it’s difficult for you, it’s often difficult for someone else, too. They’ll understand and do what they can. You can call a sister and vent, go out on the town with a friend or simply ask your therapist to hand you a tissue. Feeling alone in a situation can make it so much worse, so showing yourself that you are loved and cared for can be very calming.

5. Express yourself

Sometimes, feelings demand action. Some of the options that occur to us are healthy; some are not. Pause to make sure your action is appropriate before you act. Punching a wall might sound therapeutic, but you can hurt yourself and/or the wall.  You could hit a pillow a few times instead. If appropriate, you could also respectfully state out loud what you are feeling and experiencing. If you don’t have the option of expressing yourself in the moment, make a mental note of how you will do it later. This could be journaling, exercising or talking to your therapist, for instance. Knowing that you have an outlet later can help you better focus in the moment.

What do you do in the moments you are overwhelmed? Give your own tips in the comments.

100 ways to improve your mental health

We’ve reached a milestone today – this is my 100th post! To celebrate, I decided to make a list of 100 things. The most helpful idea that came to mind was ways to improve mental health, so here it is. I have broken the list down into categories so that you can find the ones that are the most relevant for what you are working on. (Another milestone: Happy birthday, A. You’re my favorite.)

  

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Emotionally

1. Honor your emotions for what they are and accept them fully.

2. Do something that makes you happy every day.

3. Remember that feelings are temporary; they will always change.

4. Express your emotions creatively.

5. Ask for help when you feel overwhelmed.

6. Know when to back out of a situation.

7. Stop your thinking and ask yourself what you are actually feeling and why.

8. Use a feelings chart to identify what you are experiencing.

9. Surround yourself with little things that make you happy – flowers, art, scented candles, etc.

10. Find positive and uplifting entertainment.

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Mentally

11. Stay in the present.

12. Deal with stress as it comes up.

13. Eliminate bad habits. 

14. Set realistic goals and work towards them.

15. Stop using negative words to describe yourself.

16. Reward yourself for doing difficult things.

17. Take a break when you need it.

18. Find new ways to do things.

19. Stop and consider other perspectives on what you’re experiencing.

20. Use good common sense.

                                                                                              Physically

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21. Exercise regularly.

22. Take time to relax.

23. Eat three meals a day.

24. Take your medication as prescribed.

25. Stay at a healthy weight. 

26. Get enough sleep.

27. See a doctor when you need to.

28. Choose healthy food.

29. Stay away from harmful substances.

30. Love your body as best you can.

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Socially

31. Rely on your support system.

32. Spend time with other people regularly.

33. Be a helpful friend.

34. Respect the needs of others and expect that they do the same.

35. Engage in volunteer work.

36. Eliminate negative influences in your life.

37. Set and keep healthy boundaries.

38. Make time for yourself.

39. Be clear in your communication.

40. Be considerate.

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Intellectually

41. Be educated about your disorder(s).

42. Learn something new every day.

43. Study things you genuinely find interesting.

44. Study something you know absolutely nothing about.

45. Do mind exercises like sudoku, crossword puzzles and word games.

46. Talk to other people about what they do.

47. Take an evening or community course.

48. Think up funny jokes and witty responses.

49. Take notes when you are learning about something. Refer to them later.

50. Do calculations in your head instead of using your phone.

Spiritually

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51. Practice mindfulness

52. Meditate and/or pray.

53. Eliminate unhealthy beliefs.

54. Rely on a higher power.

55. Learn about the beliefs of others.

56. Journal about your spiritual experiences.

57. Share your spiritual experiences with open-minded loved ones.

58. Forgive.

59. Find or decide on your life’s purpose and live it.

60. Stay true to what you believe.

                                                             Environmentally

                                                             61. Surround yourself with beautiful things.

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62. Hang up motivational posters.

63. Spend time in nature.

64. Keep your home clean.

65. Use sticky notes to post affirmations where you’ll see them frequently.

66. Support any environmental causes you believe in.

67. Use your resources well.

68. Take basic safety precautions.

69. Repair broken things so they don’t continue to frustrate you.

70. Stay organized.

Occupationally

71. Do things you love.

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72. Know your limits when it comes to work.

73. Develop schedules and routines.

74. Simplify your work.

75. Get support from colleagues when necessary.

76. Keep good boundaries between your personal and professional lives.

77. Compliment coworkers on a job well done.

78. If you are unhappy in your job, look for a new one.

79. Multitask less.

80. Take a day off when you need to.

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Self-care

81. Journal regularly. 

82. Go for a walk.

83. Make your favorite meal.

84. Use grounding techniques.

85. Have a list of coping skills.

86. Be patient.

87. Keep a gratitude journal.

88. Go easy on yourself.

89. Respect yourself.

Other

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91. Stand up for yourself.

92. Believe you can get better.

93. Keep a beginner’s mindset.

94. Learn from every experience.

95. Keep some money in savings.

96. Have alternatives for self-destructive behaviors.

97. Be prepared for change.

98. Have a safety plan.

99. Stay progress-oriented.

100. Make a list of personal reasons to recover.

Do you have any tips to add? Please do so in the comments!

5 tips for dating someone with a mental illness

  

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It’s February, so romance is on everyone’s minds. Love is such an important emotion. It can change lives in a way that nothing else can. We all need love, and that includes those of us with mental health issues. Here are some suggestions to help you if you are dating someone with a mental illness.

1. Ask appropriate questions.

You need to be reasonably respectful of your partner’s privacy, but don’t be afraid to ask questions. Preface them with, “You don’t have to answer this, but I’d like to know…” so that he doesn’t feel like he is being pressured. Focus on what pertains to you. “What do you want me to know about your condition and how it makes you feel?” “How can I be helpful?” “What are signs that your symptoms are worsening and what do you need when that happens?” It matters a lot when someone takes the time to find out how she can be supportive.

2. Give him space – or don’t.

At a time when your partner is doing reasonably well, talk about how much space she needs and when she needs it. Also talk about when he should not be alone. For instance, someone with PTSD might not want to be touched while experiencing flashbacks. Discuss those boundaries. Alternately, depressed people tend to shy away from others, but it isn’t always healthy. Asking in advance, is it okay to take initiative when these times come? If serious suicidal thoughts are an issue, make sure that your partner has someone to be around at all times. Support and space are equally important and it’s helpful to know when each is needed.

3. Focus on her strengths.

Mental illness can make you feel vulnerable, inferior – even useless. Some people feel like they aren’t contributing enough to the relationship or that they are being a burden. This is why it’s very important to make note of when he does something positive. Notice specific actions and comment on them. Things as simple as “Thank you for making me dinner,” “You look nice today,” and “I appreciate that you spent time with me today,” can boost self-confidence and foster positive emotions. A lot of people with mental illness need reassurance, so knowing they did something right can bring peace of mind.

4. Be accommodating and flexible.

Part of the challenge of mental illness is that it’s unpredictable. Sometimes there’s a reason that symptoms flare up, such as stress or failure, but other times random little things can set off an episode. Work with what you have at any given time. If you had a dinner and movie date planned, but your partner is too anxious to leave the house, order takeout and watch something on Netflix. If physical intimacy is difficult, go slowly and let him take the lead. If she has a hard time being around strangers, don’t drag her to big social events. 

5. Set your own boundaries.

Having a partner with a mental illness can be stressful. At times, you might find yourself in a caretaker role and it can be draining. This is why it’s important that you set boundaries. For instance, make sure you have enough time to take care of yourself. You might need to state that when he starts yelling at you, you will leave until he has calmed down. It might be helpful to make clear that there are some things she can’t blame on her illness (and what they are). It’s important to be understanding, but if you are struggling, you need to have the space to take a break and gather your strength. You can’t be as helpful if you aren’t doing well yourself.

Mental illness is hard on both partners, but it isn’t an impossible barrier to a happy relationship. While your partner might have some challenges, he also has gifts to offer. Living with a mental illness can make you empathetic, brave, considerate, grateful, persistent, thoughtful, strong and any other number of positive qualities. It encourages deep feelings and that includes love. In the end, both of you are just people. You have frustrating qualities as well. But love is beautiful in that it can make everything else disappear, if only for a moment at a time. Love is worth whatever it takes.

Check back on Tuesday to hear about dating from the other side.

What have you found helpful in dating someone with a mental illness? Tell us in the comments.

15 mental health resolutions for 2015

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Happy New Year! As we all know, this is the time of year when people take stock of their lives and find ways to improve. So in the spirit of goal-setting, here are 15 resolutions to keep you mentally healthy in 2015. I encourage you to adopt at least one of them!

1. I will set and maintain healthy boundaries.

2. I will say no to negativity. 

3. I will make time for myself.

4. I will love and accept my body the way it is.

5. I will continue to learn new things.

6. I will practice mindfulness and self-care.

7. I will ask for help when I need it.

8. I will find healthy ways of dealing with stress.

9. I will not indulge in excess.

10. I will surround myself with supportive people.

11. I will take medications as instructed. 

12. I will physically take care of my body (exercise, nutrition, sleep, etc.).  

13. I will only speak positively about myself, in or out of my head.

14. I will shrug off unhealthy guilt. 

15. I will be proud of myself for each step towards recovery.

What mental health resolutions are you making? Post yours in the comments!

7 ways to manage change

Like the saying goes, change is the only constant in life. Sometimes it’s for the better, other times it’s not. But no matter what, it will come at you every day of your life. With some transitions, it might be hard to adjust. Fortunately, there are things you can do to make change more manageable.

  

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1. Try something new

Prepare for future changes by getting used to the process. Try new things on a regular basis so that variety become a natural part of your life. Take chances and open yourself up to what’s outside your comfort zone. New foods, sports, friends, classes, hobbies and so on make you more able to adapt to the changes you will later encounter. Besides, novel forms of stimulation are great for your brain!

2. Prepare

Not all change is foreseeable, but you can make life a lot easier if you prepare when you can. Make decisions that are consistent with what you will be facing. If you need a new outfit in the winter, you’re not going to buy shorts (unless you’re lucky enough to live somewhere warm). Now is a good time to look at the year ahead. What changes are you making and what challenges do you face? If you take the time to examine those things, you can make a plan to better handle the changes.

3. Establish comfort

When you are faced with something new and unknown, find something familiar to hold on to. There is always a way to bring in something you treasure. Often, it’s the little things. You might have a new job, but you can put the same pictures on your desk and listen to the same radio station on your drive to work. Not only is this a chance for you to make things more comfortable, but you might find that your old experiences can add something valuable to your new ones. 

4. Learn to both hold on and let go

When faced with change, we are given the question of what to keep and when to let go. Take some time to consciously think about this. What lets you progress and what is holding you back? You might also find that some things can remain, but in a different form. For instance, you might move somewhere new. You can’t go to your favorite restaurant anymore, but you can find other similar ones. Alternately, you could adapt skills you used in one setting to fit another. 

5. Be flexible and resilient

In terms of psychological health, flexibility and resilience are essential. When you are flexible, you can roll with the punches and take things as they come. This makes change less difficult and upsetting. Resilience helps you get back on track when things don’t go your way, which cuts out a lot of confusion and wasted time. Practice using these qualities in your everyday life. When things don’t go as expected, don’t let it get to you and find ways to adapt.

6. Ask for help and advice

You don’t have to go through change alone. Other people can be a great resource. Seek out both people you trust and people who have gone through changes similar to yours. If you are having trouble adjusting to a pregnancy, talk to other moms and see what helped them. If you are switching schools, see if there’s another new student you can befriend. If nothing else, it can be great to have someone to vent to and use as a sounding board.

7. Find opportunities

You can look at change either as taking something away from you or as something giving you a chance to grow. As they say, when one door closes, another opens. If the change is not one you enjoy, there can be good things that come out of it, even if it’s simply personal growth. You always have a choice in how you react to the changes in your life and if you seek out the best parts, negativity won’t get to you as easily.

What has helped you during times of change? Sound off in the comments. 

The importance of self-care

   

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Therapy is hard work. It takes a lot out of you to spend extended periods of time focusing on the most difficult aspects of your life on a regular basis. It’s not hard to burn out while working on particularly intense issues. This is why self-care is essential to recovery. You need to make sure you are in the best place possible in order to move forward in your treatment. 

Self-care is maintaining your health and general well-being. It can take many forms and will be specific to each individual. What matters is that the activity promotes your welfare. If taking a walk in nature makes you feel better, do it. If self-care means the occasional binge-marathon on Netflix, that’s okay, too. There is no right or wrong way to engage in self-care; the only thing that matters is that it works for you.

While you might think that self-care for mental health is only about taking care of your mind, that is not true at all. Taking care of your body is essential, too. Physical health and mental health are very interconnected, so what’s good for one is good for the other. Make sure to exercise, eat healthy foods and get plenty of sleep. Follow your treatment regimens for any physical illnesses you have. 

Make a list of self-care activities so that when you are feeling exhausted, you don’t have to try to come up with something. Keep it on your phone, in your purse, on your refrigerator – wherever you have easy access to it. Make an effort to do something on the list every day. Try new activities, too. You never know when you’ll discover something helpful. 

By regularly practicing self-care, you can avoid future mental health crises. Taking care of yourself as stressors come up means that you won’t have a reservoir of unresolved emotions that flood you all at once when the buildup is too strong. If you are having trouble coming up with self-care ideas, you can talk to your therapist. Together you can come up with a plan for how to take care of you both daily and when a stressor comes up.

Do you practice self-care? How has it helped you? Tell us in the comments.

Diagnosis spotlight: anorexia nervosa

   

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When most people hear the word “anorexia,” they think of really skinny people. There is, however, a lot more to this disorder than ones weight. Anorexia nervosa is a disorder of both the body and the mind. It can have adverse effects in many areas of one’s life and should always be taken seriously.

First of all, it’s important to acknowledge that anorexia can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, age or race. A college boy could develop anorexia in response to athletic pressures, or transitioning out of independent living could instigate it for a senior citizen. The stressors that can lead to eating disorders are in all our lives and while young females are more at risk, it is important to acknowledge that that isn’t the whole population.

A hallmark trait of anorexia is the restriction of food intake. Someone with anorexia might create unhealthy diet plans, not giving the body the calories and nutrients it needs. Certain foods are avoided completely, leading to a very restricted diet of what has been called “safe foods.” 

For anorexia to be diagnosed, as opposed to another eating disorder, this restriction should lead to a low body weight. The DSM-V diagnostic criteria used by mental health professionals defines this as “less than minimally normal” for adults and “less than that minimally expected” for children and adolescents. 

Another criteria for anorexia is an intense fear of gaining weight or interfering with weight gain despite being at a low weight. This is often related to the final criteria. One of the following needs to be present: disturbance in how you perceive your body (thinking you’re fat when you’re not, for instance), your self-esteem being excessively influenced by the way you see your body or a failure to acknowledge the seriousness of the low body weight. 

Furthermore, there are two types of anorexia: binge-eating/purging type and restricting type. The former involves episodes of binge eating and/or purging behavior. Purging refers to expelling food from your body, like self-induced vomiting or misuse of laxatives or diuretics. The restricting type does not binge and/or purge, but loses weight through dieting, fasting and/or excessive exercise.

Anorexia also often accompanies other psychiatric illnesses. Depression, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, personality disorders and self-injury are some of the more common comorbid conditions. This can make the anorexia even worse, as there is more internal turmoil. Getting treatment for other mental health – and physical – disorders can help in the recovery from anorexia.

If you or someone you love is experiencing these symptoms, it’s imperative that you seek out help from a qualified professional. Anorexia nervosa is the most deadly mental health disorder. It will wreak havoc on your body until it literally eats itself. You cannot survive without nutrition. But it’s not just your body. Suicide causes one in five anorexia deaths. It is so important to get help.

Find someone who specializes in eating disorders. They have their own specific challenges and your best shot at recovery is with someone experienced. There might also be local support groups you could join in addition to therapy. If the anorexia is severe or treatment-resistant, consider finding a treatment center. If serious physical symptoms develop, call 911 or get to an emergency room. Look out for fainting, seizures, irregular pulse and other symptoms that could be considered serious. Recovery from anorexia is essential, so don’t hesitate to get whatever help you need.

To learn more about supporting loved ones with eating disorders, read this.

What has been your experience with anorexia? What helped you or a loved one get better? Share your thoughts in the comments.

Past vs. present

   

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When in the middle of a stressful or triggering situation, it can be easy to let emotions get the best of you. The thing is, those feelings aren’t always connected to the present circumstances. Luckily, there’s a quick way to calm down and see what’s really going on. It’s called past vs. present.

This technique is pretty much what the name suggests: comparing the past and the present. When you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, take a minute to look back and consider other times you have felt similarly. Then you can tell yourself what is currently different than the past situation. Here are some examples to help you get the point.

You ask out someone that you met at a party and get rejected. This might make you feel upset or confused and lower your self-esteem. When you think of where you’ve felt those feelings before, you realize that it’s how you felt when your ex left you. But in the present, we’re not talking about someone you had made a commitment with. This concerns a relative stranger. Someone you just met should not be allowed to have the same emotional sway as someone you were deeply connected to. You recognize that the current situation does not carry as much weight as the one in the past, so while it’s not fun being let down, it doesn’t have to ruin your day.

You have to give a presentation at work. No matter how much you prepare, you feel anxious and like you are going to mess up. You are afraid you’re going to be made fun of, so you think back and see if you can remember a time that it actually happened. You remember that in junior high, you had to do a presentation, but forgot and had to go in front of the class unprepared. As you stumbled around a topic you didn’t know much about, you could hear snickering and whispers in the room. In the present, however, you are prepared. You know the material and have been practicing what you will say. You don’t have to feel as nervous as you did back then.

Someone you encounter seems to upset you for no reason. You don’t know why you dislike him; others around you might think he’s great. She may never have said or done a single offensive thing to you, but you can’t get rid of your dislike for her. That is when you look back and see who this person reminds you of. Maybe he looks like a mean coach you once had. Maybe she has the same tone of voice your mom had when she was angry. It can also be a matter of position, such as having a bad experience with a doctor and projecting that onto future doctors. Once you can recognize that the person who upset you is actually in the past, you can move forward with the present person.

It can sometimes be a little tricky to find out who or what you are actually dealing with emotionally, but a little reflection can go a long way. Even if you can’t find a person or reason in your past, looking for it might help you realize that the situation is not as bad as it might feel. 

Do you think this technique could be helpful for you? Try it out and come back to tell us how it went.

Don’t put a timetable on recovery

Like most people, I entered therapy not knowing what to expect. I had dealt with depression and other mental health symptoms for years, but thought that I could take charge of my problems in a matter of weeks – a few months at the most. Almost eight years later, I’m still at it.

Assuming when I would “get better” was a mistake. The thing is, you never know. You may ask a therapist for an estimate, and they’ll often give you one. 8-12 sessions is a frequently used figure. But really, there are so many factors that influence this. There is no way to calculate how long treatment will take. 

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It is unfair to both yourself and your therapist to set a timetable on recovery. There is nothing wrong with setting goals, but don’t make hard deadlines. The mind is very complex and what’s masquerading as a relatively simple concern might actually be liked to a much larger underlying problem. You just might not see it before you examine the presenting concern. 

On the other hand, sometimes it’s faster than you’d think. I’ve heard of people benefiting from a single session. All your life problems won’t be solved in an hour, but sometimes you luck out and get the insight you need a lot quicker than expected. Really, don’t go in expecting one session to fix everything, but know that what you think might take many months or years may actually not require that much time. 

Unfortunately, insurance companies aren’t nice about letting you take as long as you need. There are often limits on how many sessions they will pay for. This means that you will want to try to make the most of your time with your therapist. Talk to her about what to do. Seeing him every other week instead of weekly can give you slower progress, but it stretches out over a longer period of time. Together you can find out what’s best for you. Also, don’t be afraid to call your insurance company if you have questions. 

Even when therapy is over, it does not mean that your progress ends there. You should not expect to be completely “fixed.” Recovery is a journey, not a destination. For many people, managing one’s mental health is a life-long endeavor. Improving your mental health is a long-term commitment. However long it takes to feel better is how long it takes. Just don’t stop trying. The “do it at home” tag is a great source for exercises to keep up your progress independently of therapy.

I know it’s hard, but don’t stress about how long your recovery will take. That only creates more anxiety and concern. Accept yourself for where you are at and be proud of yourself for any progress, no matter how small. It’s heading in the right direction that matters. Maybe you’ll feel better soon and maybe you won’t. The persistence you put in to your recovery will, however, eventually pay off. 

Are you able to be patient with yourself about the rate you’re progressing at? How did you come to peace with it?  Let us know with a comment.

5 habits that promote mental health

Mental health is not something you are born with or without. It is something that can be impacted by as many different things as your physical health can. We might take vitamins and get flu shots to protect our bodies, but do we offer the same level of care to our mind? Here are some habits that can help your mental and emotional health.

1. Take care of your body

Your mind and your body interact on a constant basis. What you do to one will surely affect the other. That’s why taking care of your body is essential. Consult your doctor to find out what is best for you, but here are some general guidelines. Eat appropriate amounts of healthy food on a regular basis. Ideally, you should do moderate exercise for half an hour five times a week. But anything helps, even five minutes of stretching. Work your way up to it. And make sure you get enough sleep. Every body is different, but some research indicates that 7 hours is optimal.

    

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2. Learn new things

If you don’t stretch your mind, how do you expect to keep it in shape? Your brain needs the occasional challenge and learning is a great way to do this. Learning new things promotes qualities such as confidence, happiness, self-efficacy, independence and wisdom. Keeping the mind active can stave off some of the effects of age-related cognitive problems. While it’s fun and comforting to do things you already enjoy, learning something new has an even greater effect on your mind. Learn to cook Thai food, paint with watercolors, restore cars, woodwork or take on a new language. This last one is especially great for mental growth.

3. Reduce stress

Stress is unavoidable. Some amount of it is healthy because it helps us get things done, but having too much can have negative consequences for your mental health. There are many studies supporting this. So find ways to reduce the load. If your child is having a birthday party and you’re trying to clean the house, decorate, make treat bags and bake a cake, maybe you should just buy a cake at the store. If you have overwhelming work responsibilities, see if you can delegate some duties to someone else. For some tips on managing stress, read this.

4. Engage in self-care

Life is so full of demands that sometimes we forget to just slow down and assess what we actually need. When you feel scared, overwhelmed, frustrated, in pain or otherwise having a difficult time, stop and ask yourself what you actually need. Commit to act on it. If you need to slow things down, try some grounding techniques. If you are hungry, grab a snack. If you feel lonely, call up a friend. Something inside of you always knows what you need and you need to learn to listen to that part of you. It’s best to take care of how you’re feeling before it develops into something bigger.

5. Ask for help

Sometimes we think that we should be able to handle everything life throws at us. But the truth is, humans are social creatures for a reason. We need each other. So when you are depressed, overwhelmed, anxious, distracted or otherwise having problems, it’s okay to ask for help. This can involve anything from going to therapy to having a neighborhood kid mow your lawn for you. What matters is that you’re not going through your struggles alone. Besides, connecting with other people is good in and of itself. And you never know when you might be helping someone else simply by being in touch.

What healthy mental health habits do you have? Leave other suggestions in the comments.

15 grounding techniques

Grounding is a very useful tool when you are feeling symptomatic. It is finding a way to stay in the present moment instead of giving in to what your mental illness is causing you to experience. It can be used to decrease anxiety, help with reality testing, stop flashbacks, reduce dissociation, end panic attacks and more. 

There are lots of different grounding techniques. Having strategies in mind ahead of time can help reduce distress in the moment. Knowing which ones work are a matter of trial and error, so here is a list of 15 that you can try out.

     

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1. Name five things you can see, three things you can hear and one thing you can smell. 
2. Describe your environment (“The carpet is beige and soft. The chair I’m sitting in is made of wood. The walls are painted green,” etc.).
3. Focus on your breathing. Breathe in through your nose for four counts, hold your breath for seven and exhale through your mouth for eight.
4. Carry something small that you can play with (bracelet, stress ball, putty, etc.). Focus while you use it.
5. Go through the alphabet and think of something for each letter (names of bands, movies, cities, etc.).
6. Get a hot or icy drink and focus on the sensation of drinking it.
7. Smell something you find calming. You can put on lotion or carry a handkerchief with perfume or essential oils on it.
8. Take a shower or a bath. Notice how the water feels on your skin and imagine that all of your stress is being washed away.
9. Say reassuring things to yourself out loud. (“I am in my apartment and it’s safe here. I am loved. I can call a friend if I need to,” etc.)
10. Move. Go for a walk, wiggle your toes; do whatever works for the situation you’re in.
11. Mentally go through everything you did today. (“My alarm went off at 8:00. I got up and took a shower. I ate breakfast,” etc.)
12. Listen to music you find comforting. Pick out all the different instruments                                                                          and notice how each of them sounds.
13. Engage in a hobby you enjoy. Let everything else go while you focus on doing what you love.
14. Write down exactly what you’re thinking and feeling. Imagine it disappearing into the paper. You can tear it up when you’re done, if you’d like, and throw those thoughts and feelings away.
15. Put your feet on the floor. Keep your eyes open. Engage all five of your senses. Force yourself to stay in the present.

What grounding techniques work for you? Let’s make a list in the comments.

5 ways nature can heal

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Nature has been helping people heal long before the inventions of therapy and medication. Humans were developed to survive without any modern conveniences, so it only makes sense that the natural world holds things that can help us in recovering. 

Consider what nature can do for you, even if you don’t want to leave the house. Inspired by the (hopefully) nice spring weather, here are five suggestions for how nature can help in your healing process.

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1. Sounds and scents

Nature can be very soothing and calming. It’s simple to bring nature inside through your senses. If you are lucky, you live somewhere you can simply open your window to hear and smell a forest or brook. But for the rest of us, turning on some nature sounds and lighting a flower-scented candle will have to do the trick. 

There are websites that let you blend and customize different sounds, such as this one. It is also said that certain scents will alter your mood, filling you with calmness, energy or concentration. Here is an example of a list of how certain scents might benefit you. Google will give you plenty more.

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2. Gardening

While some of us hate weeding (guilty), some people find gardening to be a soothing and stress-relieving hobby. It gives you the satisfaction of seeing your hard work bloom, which can do wonders for your confidence and self-efficacy. 

Even city-dwellers holed up in apartments can reap the benefits of caring for plants. A flower box can be used to make a beautiful display or to be used to grow herbs and small vegetables. For those who are interested in growing their own food in cities, look up urban gardening. It’s a real thing.

  

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3. Food and supplements

What you eat determines a large part of your health. It is, after all, what makes up your body. Good nutrition in general is beneficial to physical and mental health, but specific foods can serve individual purposes. Supposedly, blueberries should make you less stressed while walnuts make you happier.

In addition to providing food, nature also gives us plants and herbs that hold healing properties. The scientific backing on these varies, so do your research. But from what I’ve heard, some places use St. John’s wort as a first line of treatment for depression, preceding anti-depressants. But if you do want to try a supplement, talk to your doctor. Some can interfere with medications or make certain health conditions worse.

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4. Pets

The creatures we share this world with can become healing as friends, or even part of the family. My cat can tell when I am anxious or depressed and will cuddle up with me extra much. Having a pet also gives you a daily responsibility, forcing you to have interaction and get out of bed.

Sometimes, people have specially trained service or therapy animals. Dogs, for instance, can be trained to help with PTSD symptoms. I have also heard of ones that will bring your medication to you if you are bedridden, so it’s pretty incredible what animals can do.

  

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5. Spending time outdoors

Then, of course, there is simply going out into nature. Take advantage of whatever is nearby – forests, mountains, beaches or city parks. If you want more variety, plan vacations and road trips around the environments you’d like to spend more time in.

While outside, do activities that you enjoy. There’s more to do than hikes or walks. Some options include riding bikes, swimming, picnics, sketching or painting, picking flowers, snow activities, bird watching, playing children’s games and just sitting down and enjoying your surroundings.  Sometimes a breath of fresh air is exactly what’s needed to feel better.

What gifts of nature do you use in your recovery? Exchange ideas in the comments.

You don’t need to justify your mental illness

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You might have certain beliefs that invalidate your mental illness. They might be reasons why you shouldn’t be mentally ill or why your illness is not that serious. You may even feel guilty for seeking treatment. One of the biggest causes for these thoughts is comparison to others.

Everyone has their own idea of what mental illness looks like. This might be influenced by media portrayals, amount of education about mental health and interactions with mentally ill people. You end up comparing your symptoms and situation to that ideal that you have in your head. For instance, you might see obsessive-compulsive disorder as an illness centered around germophobia and strange rituals. Your version could be focused on your productivity and thus cause you to compulsively work. This looks different, and you might even try to justify your situation as adaptive. But it’s still a mental illness. You are dealing with obsessions and compulsions; they just don’t have the same content as the idea in your head.

The truth is, there is no definitive way in which mental illness manifests. Anything that causes distress or interferes with your life is worth looking at. In fact, you don’t even need to qualify as having a mental illness to seek treatment. You might just want support through a difficult situation or work on self-improvement. This is perfectly legitimate. You don’t have to be completely dysfunctional and crippled by your mental illness in order to have a right to get help. 

Another thought you might have is that your past does not justify your illness. This might, again, be about comparison. You might think mental illness is something that comes as a result of something else. This could be trauma, an extraordinarily difficult present situation, childhood abuse, bad relationships, or other circumstances you see as justifying having a mental illness. You might not see your past or your circumstances as “bad enough” and thus invalidate your own experience. You could have posttraumatic stress disorder from a car accident and say to yourself, “Well, it’s not like I went to war or was raped.” You still have PTSD. It doesn’t matter what caused it; it’s there. Looking at worst case scenarios is not going to change that. 

Besides, we don’t actually understand how mental illness develops. Sometimes it just happens. You might have a perfectly healthy life and still develop depression. You could have a nurturing upbringing and still have schizophrenia. You don’t have to have a reason to struggle with your mental health. If you are having difficulties, accept that as enough. 

A decent therapist is not going to look at you and say that you don’t have it bad enough to be worth her time. He’ll understand that it is an act of courage to seek help. Treatment is not easy. It’s not something you’re doing for fun. Your therapist will not think less of you for not having a textbook version of a severe condition. She is there to help you no matter what lead you to her office.

So don’t stress about why you have mental health issues. You might be able to point to some factors or you might not. Either way, what matters is that you are seeking treatment and that you are working on it. That says more about who you are than whatever symptoms you are or are not having.

This post is part of Mental Health Month Blog Day. For a list of other participants writing about mental illness, click here. 

Do you feel a need to justify your illness? Share what helps you accept your situation in the comments.

5 steps to finding your best coping skills

I experience one type of distress when I have interpersonal problems and another when I am anxious about school. What helps with one will not always help with the other. That’s why it can be useful to map out what will help when you are feeling certain ways. Today I’ll lead you through an exercise to make a list of what will help you when you are feeling certain types of distress. 

I encourage you to grab a pen and some paper. You can also type on your computer (be prepared to copy and paste), but I’ll be creating a hypothetical sample by hand. If you write this up as you go along, you’ll have a very helpful tool at your disposal by the time you have finished reading this blog post. Really, you should do it. You’ll thank yourself later.

1. Identify what situations create strong emotional reactions in you. Write them out on a page. If you get stuck, consider the last month and identify situations that caused you distress. Write as many as you’d like. You can include things that are positive, but still potentially stressful. It might look something like this:

When you’re finished, you might find that you can combine similar items. In this case, I will combine “I feel rejected” and “I feel alone” to create “I feel rejected and lonely.” I will also make “I have a headache” and “my back hurts” become “I have physical pain.” If you don’t want to list specific situations, this exercise also works well if you make a list of emotions (angry, scared, nervous, overwhelmed, panicked, etc.).

2. Identify your coping tools. Create a list on a new piece of paper of what you have found helpful in the past when you are dealing with stress or strong emotions. You might also want to add things that you haven’t tried yet, but that might be helpful. There are lots of lists of coping skills at your disposal through Google. Give yourself as many options as possible. Include both items that improve the situations and ones that distract you from it, as each has its own uses. Here are some examples:

3. Take a third (and maybe fourth) piece of paper and use lines to make boxes for each of your identified trigger situations or emotions. Label each one. 

4. Think about what strategies from the second list help the most with the situations or emotions from the first. Try to find at least three strategies for each section.You can repeat your items. If you think of something that isn’t on the second list, that’s great! Add it anyway. You don’t have to include every coping mechanism you listed. What’s important is filling up those boxes with whatever is helpful.

5. Make your list accessible. Take a picture of it and put it on your phone. Keep a copy in your purse. Hang it on your bathroom mirror. Give copies to your support system so they know how to help you. Share it with your therapist. Just get your list out there so that when you do need to cope, you’ll already know how. It’s hard to think of things in the moment, but that will be less of a problem with this list on hand.

Did you try this exercise? What are some helpful matchings you found? Help each other out by sharing ideas in the comments.

How do I tell someone I have a mental illness?

It is hard to come to terms with having a mental illness. It can be even harder, at times, to help others understand where you’re at because they are not living it. But the path to recovery is best walked with support, so at some point, you might want to tell someone about your mental health condition. Since May is Mental Health Awareness Month, let’s look at talking about mental illness.

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Remember that you get to decide who does and doesn’t know about what you’re struggling with and how much you want to share. Telling someone one thing does not entitle her to know everything. It’s also important to feel safe with the person you are confiding in. When you have carefully considered telling someone and feel comfortable with it, here are some tips on how to have that initial conversation.

Be aware of your own feelings in advance

Don’t go into the conversation unprepared. You are opening up a whole new box of information and feelings, so know what’s in it. Plan for how you are going to deal with any emotions that come up while you’re explaining yourself. Remember that it’s okay to take breaks or to finish the conversation another time. 

Also attend to how you are feeling before you have “the talk.” Are you anxious? Scared? Relieved? Practice some self-care that is appropriate to how you are feeling. Plan for what could help you during the conversation when you are having strong emotions. Maybe playing with a stress ball would help. Perhaps your anxiety is reduced if you have a bottle of water so you can take a drink to buy time when you’re uncertain about an answer. Find whatever works for you.

Understand your condition

If you want him to be understanding of you, some education might be needed. In order to provide that, you need to learn about your diagnosis and/or symptoms. There will probably be questions and it’s best to have the answers. You can read the post on learning about your diagnosis. The chance of misunderstandings and confusion are decreased if you can use factual information instead of conjecture. 

But it’s okay not to know everything. If you are unsure of the answer to a question asked, say something like, “I don’t actually know the answer to that. I’m still learning, too. Let me see what I can find out and we can talk more about it later.” You don’t have to be an expert on your condition; you just need to be appropriately informed about your mental health concerns.

Set appropriate boundaries

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I once told someone about some of my problems who went on to share them with other people. That was difficult, but I realized that I never set the boundary of who I was comfortable with knowing. I now spell out who I want to know if I am going to say something to an individual who is a part of a group I'm in (family, a circle of friends, support group, etc.). 

If the person you are confiding in can’t promise to respect your privacy, reconsider telling her unless you are ready for everyone to know what you are about to share. If you need to set boundaries about what you are willing to discuss, make sure to do that, too. Think ahead so you can express any limitations and boundaries that you need him to respect in the future as well.

Explain the support you need

People will leave the conversation feeling much more positively about it if they have some answers about how this applies to them. If these people are trusted enough for you to talk with, they are likely the kinds people who will want to help. Think about this in advance and be specific. Ask if it’s okay to call her if you have the urge to self-injure. Request to have lunch with him after your therapy appointments to de-stress. Tell her that you need someone to just ask how you’re doing from time to time.

Also let him know what you want him not to do. Again, be specific. If you have triggers, it might help to give her a list of them. If you feel it would be helpful, you can also refer him to the post about helping loved ones with mental illnesses. 

Be prepared for a variety of responses

As much as I wish there wasn’t, there is a lot of stigma surrounding mental illness. This means that people already have ideas of what mental illness is and those beliefs are going to influence their response to you. Not everyone is going to be completely supportive from the get-go. Instead of blurting out everything at once, pace the conversation. See how she reacts to minor information before revealing major points. If there seems to be a negative response, find a way to end the conversation. 

On the other hand, some people can become overly invested in your situation. If he tries to take control over your treatment or starts coddling you excessively, have a conversation about how this affects you. Tell her that your treatment team is plenty competent to help you make decisions about the hows of recovery. No matter the response, plan on engaging in some self-care after the conversation. It’s stressful and you need to take care of yourself.

Have you told someone about your mental illness? How did it go? Post your own tips and observations in the comments.