How do I tell someone I have a mental illness?

It is hard to come to terms with having a mental illness. It can be even harder, at times, to help others understand where you’re at because they are not living it. But the path to recovery is best walked with support, so at some point, you might want to tell someone about your mental health condition. Since May is Mental Health Awareness Month, let’s look at talking about mental illness.

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Remember that you get to decide who does and doesn’t know about what you’re struggling with and how much you want to share. Telling someone one thing does not entitle her to know everything. It’s also important to feel safe with the person you are confiding in. When you have carefully considered telling someone and feel comfortable with it, here are some tips on how to have that initial conversation.

Be aware of your own feelings in advance

Don’t go into the conversation unprepared. You are opening up a whole new box of information and feelings, so know what’s in it. Plan for how you are going to deal with any emotions that come up while you’re explaining yourself. Remember that it’s okay to take breaks or to finish the conversation another time. 

Also attend to how you are feeling before you have “the talk.” Are you anxious? Scared? Relieved? Practice some self-care that is appropriate to how you are feeling. Plan for what could help you during the conversation when you are having strong emotions. Maybe playing with a stress ball would help. Perhaps your anxiety is reduced if you have a bottle of water so you can take a drink to buy time when you’re uncertain about an answer. Find whatever works for you.

Understand your condition

If you want him to be understanding of you, some education might be needed. In order to provide that, you need to learn about your diagnosis and/or symptoms. There will probably be questions and it’s best to have the answers. You can read the post on learning about your diagnosis. The chance of misunderstandings and confusion are decreased if you can use factual information instead of conjecture. 

But it’s okay not to know everything. If you are unsure of the answer to a question asked, say something like, “I don’t actually know the answer to that. I’m still learning, too. Let me see what I can find out and we can talk more about it later.” You don’t have to be an expert on your condition; you just need to be appropriately informed about your mental health concerns.

Set appropriate boundaries

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I once told someone about some of my problems who went on to share them with other people. That was difficult, but I realized that I never set the boundary of who I was comfortable with knowing. I now spell out who I want to know if I am going to say something to an individual who is a part of a group I'm in (family, a circle of friends, support group, etc.). 

If the person you are confiding in can’t promise to respect your privacy, reconsider telling her unless you are ready for everyone to know what you are about to share. If you need to set boundaries about what you are willing to discuss, make sure to do that, too. Think ahead so you can express any limitations and boundaries that you need him to respect in the future as well.

Explain the support you need

People will leave the conversation feeling much more positively about it if they have some answers about how this applies to them. If these people are trusted enough for you to talk with, they are likely the kinds people who will want to help. Think about this in advance and be specific. Ask if it’s okay to call her if you have the urge to self-injure. Request to have lunch with him after your therapy appointments to de-stress. Tell her that you need someone to just ask how you’re doing from time to time.

Also let him know what you want him not to do. Again, be specific. If you have triggers, it might help to give her a list of them. If you feel it would be helpful, you can also refer him to the post about helping loved ones with mental illnesses. 

Be prepared for a variety of responses

As much as I wish there wasn’t, there is a lot of stigma surrounding mental illness. This means that people already have ideas of what mental illness is and those beliefs are going to influence their response to you. Not everyone is going to be completely supportive from the get-go. Instead of blurting out everything at once, pace the conversation. See how she reacts to minor information before revealing major points. If there seems to be a negative response, find a way to end the conversation. 

On the other hand, some people can become overly invested in your situation. If he tries to take control over your treatment or starts coddling you excessively, have a conversation about how this affects you. Tell her that your treatment team is plenty competent to help you make decisions about the hows of recovery. No matter the response, plan on engaging in some self-care after the conversation. It’s stressful and you need to take care of yourself.

Have you told someone about your mental illness? How did it go? Post your own tips and observations in the comments.