Dating violence and your mental health

One of the saddest situations is hurting someone under the disguise of love. Unfortunately, abuse in the dating setting happens much too often. A third of adolescents are victims of abuse by a dating partner, while 43% of college women experience violent or abusive dating behaviors. Clearly, things can go sour long before moving in together or saying, “I do.”

Dating violence happens in many ways. Most commonly, there can be physical, sexual, verbal or emotional abuse. This doesn’t have to be extreme behavior in order for it to be legitimately abusive. You don’t have to break bones – a slap or a shove is physical violence, too. Rape is one form of sexual assault, but unwanted touching is as well. Verbal abuse may escalate to threats, but can start out with name calling or simply making you feel bad about yourself. Before controlling everything you do, an emotional abuser may start with something seemingly minor, like insisting you dress a certain way or constantly asking about where you are and what you’re doing. Abuse is abuse, no matter the degree, and abuse is wrong.

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There is a high emotional and psychological toll to dating violence. It sets up a pattern that allows for future abuse. It increases the risk of drug and alcohol abuse, as well as risky sexual behaviors. These things, if unchecked, can lead to a lifetime of pain. It gets so bad that half of all young people who experience both dating violence and rape attempt suicide. 

You can also experience mental illness as a result of dating violence. Depression, anxiety, phobias, posttraumatic stress disorder and sexual concerns are but a few of the potential results. Even if no specific disorder manifests, therapy may be necessary due to the stress and distortion resulting from being in a violent relationship. 

Unfortunately, leaving these types of relationships can be risky. If someone can hurt you while claiming to love you, you bet (s)he can retaliate if you try to end the relationship. Timing and safety are very important when leaving abusive relationships. This is one reason professional help is important. Creating a safety plan can honestly be a life-saver. If you are experiencing dating violence, talk to your therapist. If you feel you are in immediate danger, call 911. Otherwise, a list of some additional resources are below.

Loveisrespect

www.loveisrespect.com

1-866-331-9474

Text loveis to 22522

Chat available on website

National Domestic Violence Hotline 

www.thehotline.org

1-800-787-3224

Chat available on website

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)

www.rainn.org

1-800-656-4673

Chat available on website

Have you experienced dating violence? Share your stories and advice in the comments.

5 dating tips for those with a mental illness

  

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Last week, we talked about dating someone with a mental illness. Today, we’re taking a look from the other side. Dating can be overwhelming and confusing, and having a mental illness just adds to that. But it is possible to have a successful, happy and healthy relationship even if you are struggling with your mental health. It took me quite a while, but finding that balance is possible. Here are my suggestions to speed up your process.

1. Don’t expect her to read your mind.

This is a good tip in general, but especially important when mental illness is involved. Other people don’t know what you’re thinking or feeling if you don’t tell them. For instance, you can’t expect someone to cheer you up if he doesn’t even know you’re feeling depressed. Assert your needs. Be as open about what you’re experiencing as you are comfortable with (and as is appropriate at your stage of the relationship). This will help your partner get a better picture of what you’re dealing with, which makes it easier for both of you.

2. Take responsibility.

Mental illness pushes us to do things we would not otherwise do. There are times when we legitimately can’t help it, but you can’t blame everything on your illness. It is not a crutch and it is not an excuse. You have choices, no matter how much you feel the odds are stacked against you. When you really, truly tried your best and your illness got in the way, say that and explain what happened. But you still need to own up to your faults because you are not possessed. You made a decision. You are still you and we all
                                                                             make mistakes sometimes.

3. Respect his needs.

It can be easy to get caught up in our own needs when we are struggling with our mental health. It feels like too much is going on and a lot of energy goes to managing our symptoms. But your partner has needs, too. Respect that she can’t always answer your call at three in the morning. Be okay with him taking the night off to see his buddies. See how you can be helpful as well. Even if you can’t do everything you’d like to, you can make an effort to show that you respect and value her.

4. Work on your recovery.

Your biggest gift to your partner is yourself. That is one motivation to work on improving. You want to be fully present and available, which can be hard when you are struggling with yourself. Dating someone with a mental illness can be stressful, so the improvements you make help it be more manageable for your partner. A healthy you is more able to meet his needs as well. Just be careful that your partner doesn’t become your only motivation.

5. Love yourself.

Have you ever heard someone complain about herself and thought, “I don’t see that at all”? No matter how unlovable you think you are, there are reasons others like and care about you. Pushing away this love to wallow in self-pity not only is unhealthy for you, but can be hurtful to your partner. Self-image is a huge part of mental health. Focus on what you do appreciate about yourself. You should be doing something to show that you care for yourself every single day. Besides, the more you healthily love yourself, the more you can healthily love others.

What has your experience been with dating while struggling with a mental illness? Talk about it in the comments.

5 tips for dating someone with a mental illness

  

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It’s February, so romance is on everyone’s minds. Love is such an important emotion. It can change lives in a way that nothing else can. We all need love, and that includes those of us with mental health issues. Here are some suggestions to help you if you are dating someone with a mental illness.

1. Ask appropriate questions.

You need to be reasonably respectful of your partner’s privacy, but don’t be afraid to ask questions. Preface them with, “You don’t have to answer this, but I’d like to know…” so that he doesn’t feel like he is being pressured. Focus on what pertains to you. “What do you want me to know about your condition and how it makes you feel?” “How can I be helpful?” “What are signs that your symptoms are worsening and what do you need when that happens?” It matters a lot when someone takes the time to find out how she can be supportive.

2. Give him space – or don’t.

At a time when your partner is doing reasonably well, talk about how much space she needs and when she needs it. Also talk about when he should not be alone. For instance, someone with PTSD might not want to be touched while experiencing flashbacks. Discuss those boundaries. Alternately, depressed people tend to shy away from others, but it isn’t always healthy. Asking in advance, is it okay to take initiative when these times come? If serious suicidal thoughts are an issue, make sure that your partner has someone to be around at all times. Support and space are equally important and it’s helpful to know when each is needed.

3. Focus on her strengths.

Mental illness can make you feel vulnerable, inferior – even useless. Some people feel like they aren’t contributing enough to the relationship or that they are being a burden. This is why it’s very important to make note of when he does something positive. Notice specific actions and comment on them. Things as simple as “Thank you for making me dinner,” “You look nice today,” and “I appreciate that you spent time with me today,” can boost self-confidence and foster positive emotions. A lot of people with mental illness need reassurance, so knowing they did something right can bring peace of mind.

4. Be accommodating and flexible.

Part of the challenge of mental illness is that it’s unpredictable. Sometimes there’s a reason that symptoms flare up, such as stress or failure, but other times random little things can set off an episode. Work with what you have at any given time. If you had a dinner and movie date planned, but your partner is too anxious to leave the house, order takeout and watch something on Netflix. If physical intimacy is difficult, go slowly and let him take the lead. If she has a hard time being around strangers, don’t drag her to big social events. 

5. Set your own boundaries.

Having a partner with a mental illness can be stressful. At times, you might find yourself in a caretaker role and it can be draining. This is why it’s important that you set boundaries. For instance, make sure you have enough time to take care of yourself. You might need to state that when he starts yelling at you, you will leave until he has calmed down. It might be helpful to make clear that there are some things she can’t blame on her illness (and what they are). It’s important to be understanding, but if you are struggling, you need to have the space to take a break and gather your strength. You can’t be as helpful if you aren’t doing well yourself.

Mental illness is hard on both partners, but it isn’t an impossible barrier to a happy relationship. While your partner might have some challenges, he also has gifts to offer. Living with a mental illness can make you empathetic, brave, considerate, grateful, persistent, thoughtful, strong and any other number of positive qualities. It encourages deep feelings and that includes love. In the end, both of you are just people. You have frustrating qualities as well. But love is beautiful in that it can make everything else disappear, if only for a moment at a time. Love is worth whatever it takes.

Check back on Tuesday to hear about dating from the other side.

What have you found helpful in dating someone with a mental illness? Tell us in the comments.

10 journal prompts to improve relationships

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In the past, we have looked at journal prompts to increase self-reflection. It is a very powerful way to explore yourself and come to a better understanding of who you are. Because this is currently my most popular post of all time, I thought we’d look at some other ideas to write about. This time, we’ll take a look at questions that can help you improve your relationships.

Remember, journaling can also be done visually through drawing, painting, collage and so on. For some examples of art therapy exercises, check this out. You can modify them to fit these prompts.

1. Make a list of the most important people in your life. What do you admire about each of them? 
2. What are nice things that others have done for you? Can you do any of these things for someone else?
3. Pick a relationship you cherish. Write a letter to this person explaining why this relationship is especially important to you. (Sending it is optional.)
4. Think about couple you feel have a loving relationship. What have you observed them doing that you’d like to see in your own relationships?
5. Write about childhood friendships. What positive things did you do as a child that you have lost over the years? 
6. Make a list of traits you have. Next to each of them, list who else in your life has those traits. You might find some new common ground.
7. Who has had the greatest influence on you? Why have these people mattered so much?
8. How can the examples of others help you improve yourself?
9. Have you had a special relationship with a pet? What have you learned from this that can help you be better in your human relationships?
10. What kind of person do you want to be in the context of your relationships (sister, boyfriend, student, etc.)?

What did you discover using these prompts? Do you have any other ones you’d like to share? The comments are open!

7 reasons to enter individual therapy

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Therapy can be helpful for lots of different concerns. While we have discussed when it is appropriate to enter treatment, we haven’t had a good look at the reasons for doing so. If you or someone you love is having problems in any of these areas, you should consider contacting a therapist to commence treatment.

1. Relationship problems

Relationships are, perhaps, the most important aspect of life. While there are a few hermits out there, people aren’t generally meant to go it on their own. We need others, whether that means a farmer who grows your food or a friend that offers a shoulder to cry on. Relationship impairment is, therefore, very significant. If you are having a hard time with your relationships in general or are struggling with an important relationship, a therapist might be able to help you figure
out your part in it and how you can improve those bonds.

2. Support during transitions

Change can be hard. Change is even harder if you go it alone. As well-meaning as friends and family may be, they are not always enough to guide you through major adjustments. For instance, if you have been diagnosed with a major illness, are going through a divorce or can’t quite get in the groove with a new job, it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist. He is removed from the situation and doesn’t have anything but your best interest in mind, whereas others – while wanting to help – might have their own agendas. 

3. Impulsive behaviors 

Everyone does something on impulse from time to time. Whether it’s as simple as trying a new place for lunch or as complex as quitting school to travel the world, sometimes we just want to do something. At times, however, impulses can get the best of us. Doing things without thinking can damage the lives of us and the people around us. It is especially important to get professional support if you are having problems with addiction or sudden aggression. If you wake up the next day regretting your decisions, consider contacting a therapist.

4. Difficulties in school

Education is a very important part of life. Struggling with it is definitely a cause for concern. You could have a learning disability, or something might just be in the way of you completing your work efficiently. Therapists are trained to identify what is causing your problems and can even offer assessments to see where your challenges lie in order to help you get through them. They can also make recommendations to your school about accommodations for any conditions you might have.

5. Vocational issues

What you do for work is one of the most important life decisions you will make. Whether you are struggling to find out what you want to do or not doing well in your current occupation, therapists are a great resource for working through work issues. Because employment is essential to supporting oneself and one’s family, entering therapy when you are struggling is a good investment. As with school, therapists can sometimes make recommendations for accommodations in your workplace to help you succeed in your job.

6. Sexual concerns

Sex is a significant part of intimacy; therefore, difficulties in that area of life can be particularly distressing. Luckily, therapists are not there to judge you and can help you work through any concerns you have in this area. Whether you are struggling with people accepting your sexual orientation, learning to be intimate after sexual assault or curious whether your sexual quirks and kinks are healthy, a therapist is a good sounding board to help you work through such personal and important questions.

7. Self-improvement

Therapy isn’t only for those who are unhealthy. Sometimes, people go to therapy just to become better people. You might have some meaning-of-life questions, or you might just want to be a better friend or more comfortable in your own skin. Therapy is a great setting to explore your strengths and weaknesses and find out how to make the most of your life. Therapists can teach you useful skills and techniques, help you work through “the big questions” and explore how you can add more meaning to your life. 

Why did you decide to enter therapy? Tell us in the comments. 

5 ways to help a loved one with a mental illness

When someone faces an illness, either physical or mental, it can be very overwhelming to those around him. There’s a lot of new information to take in while at the same time a whole new set of questions that open up. Most people want to be helpful when a loved one is facing difficulties. Here are some guidelines for how to be supportive to someone with a mental illness.

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1. Respect your loved one. Everyone, no matter one’s circumstances, deserves respect. This is especially true of those that society doesn’t overtly value. There is a lot of stigma around mental illness and chances are your loved one has been treated poorly because of it at least once. People say hurtful and uneducated things and have unrealistic expectations. Show your loved one that with or without a mental illness, you value her as a person. Be proud of him for the things he does accomplish, even though they might seem minimal to an outsider. Just remember that respect is not about treating this person exactly like everyone else. It’s about treating others with the consideration they deserve, which is something that varies between individuals.

2.. Educate yourself about your loved one’s condition. It’s hard to help someone when you don’t know what the problem is. That’s why it’s important to learn about the condition(s) your loved one has. You are by no means trying to be this person’s therapist. It’s actually more preventative. If you have a better understanding of your loved one’s challenges, you are less likely to have missteps and offend, hurt or be unhelpful to that person. Talking to someone who is depressed differs markedly from talking to someone with anxiety. It can be hard to find the right information, though. Have your loved one ask her therapist for recommendations of books or websites that appropriately explain the condition. 

3. Talk and listen. Dealing with a mental illness can be very isolating. Take time to have conversations with your loved one. Ask him how he’s doing and listen carefully when he answers. Mental illness presents many unique challenges and sometimes, it feels like no one else understands. That’s why active listening (reflecting back what she’s saying, asking questions, acknowledging emotions) can make a real difference. Make sure you also talk about things other than his mental health. Those with mental illnesses have most of the same needs as everyone else. Talk about the upcoming game, weekend plans and hobbies. Making everything about the mental illness is limiting your relationship. There is so much more to a person than what she is diagnosed with.

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4. Help with daily living tasks. Part of what qualifies someone as having a mental illness is that it causes impairment and/or distress in important areas of functioning. That’s why even simple, every-day things liken getting dressed or taking out the garbage can sometimes become overwhelming. Pay attention to your loved one and see what areas he is struggling in. If she is too anxious to leave the house, offer to do her grocery shopping for her. If he’s depressed and can’t take care of his apartment, clean the kitchen. If she is in shock after a traumatic experience, see if you can drive her to her appointments. The important thing to remember is that it can be hard to ask for help or even know what one needs, so saying, “Let me know if I can do anything,” doesn’t always work. Notice the specific needs of your loved one and attend to those. 

5. Take care of yourself. Being a person of significance in a mentally ill individual’s life can take a very real toll. You might experience compassion fatigue, a state in which one becomes more indifferent to the needs of others because of overexposure. Simply put, if you help someone a lot, you get tired. This is why it’s important to take care of yourself. Make sure that you are getting your own needs met, including leisure and self-care. You are not expected to, nor should you, be there 24/7. Take advantage of resources and other people. It is a whole lot easier to make sure someone is getting what he needs when you work as part of a team. If your loved one needs a lot of help, reach out to other family members and friends so you can coordinate how to best help her. When everybody does a little bit, a lot can get done without one person getting too worn out. Sharing responsibility is one aspect of making sure you get what you need, too.

There are other resources to help you find out how to help someone with a mental illness. The American Psychological Association keeps a list of resources for caregivers. A very practical guide for how to help care for your loved one with a mental illness is When Someone You Love Has a Mental Illness by Rebecca Woolis. Remember to also communicate with your loved one. He or she will always be your best resource in terms of determining what you can do.

What have you found that is helpful in terms of giving or receiving help and support during a mental illness? Share your tips in the comments.