5 tips for dating someone with a mental illness

  

Imagerymajestic/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It’s February, so romance is on everyone’s minds. Love is such an important emotion. It can change lives in a way that nothing else can. We all need love, and that includes those of us with mental health issues. Here are some suggestions to help you if you are dating someone with a mental illness.

1. Ask appropriate questions.

You need to be reasonably respectful of your partner’s privacy, but don’t be afraid to ask questions. Preface them with, “You don’t have to answer this, but I’d like to know…” so that he doesn’t feel like he is being pressured. Focus on what pertains to you. “What do you want me to know about your condition and how it makes you feel?” “How can I be helpful?” “What are signs that your symptoms are worsening and what do you need when that happens?” It matters a lot when someone takes the time to find out how she can be supportive.

2. Give him space – or don’t.

At a time when your partner is doing reasonably well, talk about how much space she needs and when she needs it. Also talk about when he should not be alone. For instance, someone with PTSD might not want to be touched while experiencing flashbacks. Discuss those boundaries. Alternately, depressed people tend to shy away from others, but it isn’t always healthy. Asking in advance, is it okay to take initiative when these times come? If serious suicidal thoughts are an issue, make sure that your partner has someone to be around at all times. Support and space are equally important and it’s helpful to know when each is needed.

3. Focus on her strengths.

Mental illness can make you feel vulnerable, inferior – even useless. Some people feel like they aren’t contributing enough to the relationship or that they are being a burden. This is why it’s very important to make note of when he does something positive. Notice specific actions and comment on them. Things as simple as “Thank you for making me dinner,” “You look nice today,” and “I appreciate that you spent time with me today,” can boost self-confidence and foster positive emotions. A lot of people with mental illness need reassurance, so knowing they did something right can bring peace of mind.

4. Be accommodating and flexible.

Part of the challenge of mental illness is that it’s unpredictable. Sometimes there’s a reason that symptoms flare up, such as stress or failure, but other times random little things can set off an episode. Work with what you have at any given time. If you had a dinner and movie date planned, but your partner is too anxious to leave the house, order takeout and watch something on Netflix. If physical intimacy is difficult, go slowly and let him take the lead. If she has a hard time being around strangers, don’t drag her to big social events. 

5. Set your own boundaries.

Having a partner with a mental illness can be stressful. At times, you might find yourself in a caretaker role and it can be draining. This is why it’s important that you set boundaries. For instance, make sure you have enough time to take care of yourself. You might need to state that when he starts yelling at you, you will leave until he has calmed down. It might be helpful to make clear that there are some things she can’t blame on her illness (and what they are). It’s important to be understanding, but if you are struggling, you need to have the space to take a break and gather your strength. You can’t be as helpful if you aren’t doing well yourself.

Mental illness is hard on both partners, but it isn’t an impossible barrier to a happy relationship. While your partner might have some challenges, he also has gifts to offer. Living with a mental illness can make you empathetic, brave, considerate, grateful, persistent, thoughtful, strong and any other number of positive qualities. It encourages deep feelings and that includes love. In the end, both of you are just people. You have frustrating qualities as well. But love is beautiful in that it can make everything else disappear, if only for a moment at a time. Love is worth whatever it takes.

Check back on Tuesday to hear about dating from the other side.

What have you found helpful in dating someone with a mental illness? Tell us in the comments.

5 ways to support a loved one in inpatient treatment

Sometimes, mental illness or substance abuse requires more intensive treatment than can be provided on an outpatient basis. Situations like being suicidal, the inability to get substance abuse under control, going through a medication change or an eating disorder becoming life-threatening call for inpatient treatment. The amount of time someone is gone varies, too – rehab can take months while most stays at the psychiatric ward of a local hospital are only a few days. The uncertainty of how long it will take can make the situation even more distressing.

Graur Razvan Ionut/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

While this is a lot to deal with for the patient, it also leaves loved ones not knowing what they can do. Visiting hours are often very restricted and you might not even know if your loved one wants you to come. Besides, these programs are sometimes pretty involved, with individual counseling, doctor’s visits, group therapy, psychoeducational classes and more. You want to help; it’s just hard to know what to do.

In these times, grand actions are not very viable. It’s the simple shows of support that end up being meaningful. Following is a list of suggestions for showing that you care. Keep in mind, however, that the rules and policies of each treatment center varies. If you are uncertain of whether a specific item is permitted, call the unit your loved one is staying at and ask a staff member. 

1. Let him know you are there for him… 

An in-patient stay cuts someone away from the world, leaving most of society’s currently used methods of communication off limits. She likely won’t have access to her cell phone or the Internet. This brings up the question of the best way to show support. Even if your relationship is close, he might not be ready to accept you reaching out. A card or a letter is a non-threatening way to show support that allows her to decide if she wants to give you a call or invite you over to visit. Include your phone number, as he might not have it memorized.

2. …but respect her privacy. 

Because it is closed off, knowledge of what goes on within the program can seem mysterious to outsiders. Your curiosity might naturally be piqued, however. But unless you are the parent of a minor, you most likely don’t have a right to know what is going on. You have to trust that the treatment team has the situation under control and will make good decisions. If your loved one wants to talk about his treatment, he will. Be nonjudgmental and a good listener. Avoid giving advice at this time. Besides, after a long day of processing issues and psychoeducational material, hearing about the latest game or celebrity gossip might actually be relaxing. 

3. Pictures 

Due to risks of patients harming themselves or others, there are a lot of restricted items in the inpatient setting. Pieces of paper, however, are generally considered benign, so bring pictures. Don’t just stick with family portraits. Go to your loved one’s Facebook page and print out a few of her having fun with her friends or on a vacation. A picture of a beloved pet can also be appreciated. If your loved one has a strong attachment to a particular location, a photograph of a place that soothes her can also be calming. If permitted, bring Blu-Tack so he can hang them up. Frames will not be allowed, at least not with the glass in.

4. Entertainment 

Despite intensive treatment, there is downtime. If left with the facility’s resources, however, your loved one might spend a lot of time coloring pictures with crayons or playing checkers. While often highly regulated, entertainment is appreciated. Some books and magazines are restricted based on the content, but you probably won’t know until you get there, as it is very arbitrary. Less frequently, a center might allow an iPod or MP3 player. They may, however, require a small speaker, as headphones can be a safety risk. With this, it’s especially important to talk to the staff before you bring something over.

5. Something from home

It is normal to get homesick when in an inpatient setting, seeing as one is pulled away from all the comforts one is used to. Bringing something meaningful from home can ease some of that feeling. Take over a favorite stuffed animal, pillow or blanket. A small, unbreakable trinket with personal significance can be a lovely connection to home. Avoid brining valuable or irreplaceable items. Not all inpatient stays are planned, so a fresh change of clothes can be much appreciated. If you are allowed to bring food or treats, a comfort food can also mean a lot. A connection to life outside the treatment center can serve as a lifeline when treatment is at its toughest.

Have you spent time in an inpatient unit? What shows of support did you find helpful? Add to the list in the comments.

The isolation of mental illness

David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Mental illness can be a very lonely experience. It can feel like what applies to the rest of the world gets turned on its head when it comes to you. When others ask questions like, “Why didn’t you come to the party?” or “Why haven’t you finished your assignment?” it can be hard to come up with answers that are both understandable and that protect your dignity. It’s hard to find words to describe what permeates your life and makes you feel separate from everyone else.

I wish I could say that people are generally understanding and that if you just say it how it is, you’ll get an empathetic response and an offer of help. The truth is, people are generally uncomfortable talking about mental illness. This societal silence perpetuates the feelings of isolation that mental illness can create.

Still, mental illness affects everyone, whether through experience or indirectly through others in their lives. With one in four Americans struggling with mental illness in any given year, everyone knows someone. It is, however, for the most part an “invisible illness” and people learn to hide their symptoms so no one knows anything is wrong. But it’s still there. 

The next time you sit in a meeting, classroom or other group situation, start counting off one in four people. Now take that group and expand. Remember, the one in four figure is for any given year. Some people have recovered from a past mental illness and others will experience it in the future. Seeing how common it is in this way can be an eye-opener. It’s a lot more prevalent than it seems when you’re lying in bed at 3:00 p.m. and wondering what’s wrong with you since “everyone else” can move on with their days. 

   

Stockimages/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

But knowing you are not alone and feeling isolated are not mutually exclusive. While you might theoretically know that others are struggling, too, it’s not like people show up to work saying, “I didn’t come in yesterday because I had a really bad panic attack,” like they say, “I didn’t show up because I had the flu.” Mental illness is surrounded by so much stigma and perceived shame that it’s hard to talk about.

If you want to change the conversation and help others understand how mental illness impacts everyone, that’s great. Just take care of yourself while you do so. As a starting point, here is an article on how to tell others you have a mental illness. If you’d rather avoid the topic, that’s okay, too. It’s your right to decide how much you want to talk about your condition, if you want to talk about it at all.

One thing that can help you feel less alone is through entertainment. Finding stories of others we can relate to can be cathartic and empowering. There are lots of mental health memoirs that focus on specific conditions, so you can surely find one for yours. For instance, there’s Prozac Nation for depression and Girl, Interrupted about borderline personality disorder. There are so many more if you just search for them. There are also fictional stories of mental illness, as well as more technical books. (I’ve compiled a list of books that help you learn more about your condition.) Movies that address mental health topics abound, too, like these Oscar-winning best picture films.

There are also online communities that can offer support. For instance, HealthyPlace has a variety of forums addressing different conditions. Another cool site is PatientsLikeMe, where in addition to having access to forums, you can track your symptoms. Everyone’s data is used to come up with helpful information. It covers a lot of medical conditions, but there’s a section for mental health concerns. Be aware, though, that these groups are for support only. They are not a replacement for a doctor or a therapist. Simple symptom management tips and sympathetic stories are great, but you should not use forums to resolve more serious issues.

Remember that mental health issues are just as much a part of the human experience as anything else. It can feel isolating, but you are by no means alone. You can choose to seek out others who share your experience, or you can just comfort yourself with the knowledge that what you are experiencing is, in its own way, normal. How you approach your condition is entirely up to you, but always know that you aren’t broken, you aren’t weird, you aren’t crazy and you aren’t alone.

What do you do when your mental illness makes you feel alone? Share feedback in the comments.

5 things to do after a hard session

Therapy can be hard. It takes a lot out of you and can even have you feeling worse than when you started (hopefully in a productive way). But sometimes you can be at a loss for what to do after a particularly difficult session. Here are five suggestions.

Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

1. Journaling

Write down your thoughts and feelings about the session. Sometimes getting it out on paper takes the edge off what you are feeling. It allows your mind to let go of the stress more easily because the information is now external. This strategy also allows you to look back at what you wrote at a later time, maybe in the next session. A lot of good content can come from that.

2. Self-care

If you were not feeling well physically, you would hopefully spend some time taking care of yourself. The same should go if you are emotionally exhausted. Do things that make you feel better. Go for a walk. Take a hot bath. Eat comfort foods. If the things you do involve taking care of your body, all the better. Physical and mental health are closely linked (read more here).

3. Distraction

Sometimes you just need to get your mind off of what’s upsetting you. Do something else that requires your attention. Watch a movie. Put together a puzzle. Try making a new recipe. Don’t try to avoid what you’re dealing with. That won’t fix anything. But it’s perfectly healthy to set it aside for a bit while you recuperate. 

4. Enjoyment

Things that make us happy can help dissipate lingering negative emotions. Focusing on something you love for a while can be very calming and healing. Play your favorite sport. Go to a concert. Have a good conversation with a friend whose company you enjoy. There’s a time to work on hard things, but there is also time to savor what life has to offer.

5. Expression

Similarly to journaling, this is all about getting what’s inside of you out into the open. Just take what you are thinking and feeling and put it in a different form. This can include making art, storytelling, dancing, acting, creating music and crafting. Use a medium you are comfortable with or explore something new. You never know what will come out of it.

What do you do after a tough session? Trade ideas in the comments.

5 steps to finding your best coping skills

I experience one type of distress when I have interpersonal problems and another when I am anxious about school. What helps with one will not always help with the other. That’s why it can be useful to map out what will help when you are feeling certain ways. Today I’ll lead you through an exercise to make a list of what will help you when you are feeling certain types of distress. 

I encourage you to grab a pen and some paper. You can also type on your computer (be prepared to copy and paste), but I’ll be creating a hypothetical sample by hand. If you write this up as you go along, you’ll have a very helpful tool at your disposal by the time you have finished reading this blog post. Really, you should do it. You’ll thank yourself later.

1. Identify what situations create strong emotional reactions in you. Write them out on a page. If you get stuck, consider the last month and identify situations that caused you distress. Write as many as you’d like. You can include things that are positive, but still potentially stressful. It might look something like this:

When you’re finished, you might find that you can combine similar items. In this case, I will combine “I feel rejected” and “I feel alone” to create “I feel rejected and lonely.” I will also make “I have a headache” and “my back hurts” become “I have physical pain.” If you don’t want to list specific situations, this exercise also works well if you make a list of emotions (angry, scared, nervous, overwhelmed, panicked, etc.).

2. Identify your coping tools. Create a list on a new piece of paper of what you have found helpful in the past when you are dealing with stress or strong emotions. You might also want to add things that you haven’t tried yet, but that might be helpful. There are lots of lists of coping skills at your disposal through Google. Give yourself as many options as possible. Include both items that improve the situations and ones that distract you from it, as each has its own uses. Here are some examples:

3. Take a third (and maybe fourth) piece of paper and use lines to make boxes for each of your identified trigger situations or emotions. Label each one. 

4. Think about what strategies from the second list help the most with the situations or emotions from the first. Try to find at least three strategies for each section.You can repeat your items. If you think of something that isn’t on the second list, that’s great! Add it anyway. You don’t have to include every coping mechanism you listed. What’s important is filling up those boxes with whatever is helpful.

5. Make your list accessible. Take a picture of it and put it on your phone. Keep a copy in your purse. Hang it on your bathroom mirror. Give copies to your support system so they know how to help you. Share it with your therapist. Just get your list out there so that when you do need to cope, you’ll already know how. It’s hard to think of things in the moment, but that will be less of a problem with this list on hand.

Did you try this exercise? What are some helpful matchings you found? Help each other out by sharing ideas in the comments.

Healthy distress management

Life is never completely free of things that bring us sorrow, scare us or make us stressed. There will always be a cause for distress. Finding healthy ways to manage this is essential for mental health. Repressing your distress instead of dealing with it can lead to or exasperate mental illness. This can range from being less productive at work because something is nagging at you to developing PTSD and dissociative symptoms from not confronting a trauma. It is easy to turn to bad habits for comfort. Drinking, overeating or self-injury can temporarily create a sense of peace. They all have negative consequences, though. Following are some healthy ways of managing distress.

Naypong/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Express yourself through the arts
Art can heal. Since the early days of human existence, people have created art. It is just as powerful today. In fact, there is an entire field of art and movement therapies. Expressing your thoughts and feelings in art is a way of making your experience "real." So write a poem about the heartache you are feeling. Dance to express that feeling of reaching for something you will never have. Paint what the inside of your mind looks like. The possibilities are endless. Even if you don't consider yourself an artist, art is something everyone can participate in. Try different mediums until you find something that works for you.

Photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Talk about your experience
The brain doesn't like secrets. Research by James W. Pennebaker suggests that keeping secrets can have adverse effects on your physical health, including your blood pressure, sleep, and immune function. Disclosing those secrets, however, reduces stress and improves overall physical health. In other words, bottling up everything you are feeling doesn't work. It will literally make you sick. Confiding in someone is healthy for your mind and your body. Therapy is an excellent outlet, but even talking to family and friends about what is worrying you can have a positive effect. The important part is that you get it out there.

 

Feelart/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Keep a journal
Pennebaker's research also states that writing in a journal can have similar favorable consequences to those of talking to someone. For some, a journal is less intimidating than a conversation. It is a safe place to say anything. If you are worried about someone reading what you wrote, you can destroy the content after you write it. Tear it into little pieces or burn it. You can also write in a way that others won't understand. Some people like writing in a foreign language. When writing about one particular topic, I use a code that only I know how to solve. This takes more effort, but if it is what makes you feel safe, go for it.




Use entertainment for catharsis

Photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sometimes, all we need to feel better is to find a story we relate to. One of the reasons entertainment is so popular is that it allows us to feel less alone. I can't count the number of times I have listened to certain songs to get through the night. Some of my favorite movies contain themes that resonate in my own life. And books can be a more prolonged way of identifying with characters and their circumstances. Finding entertainment that speaks to you and your situation can be incredibly healing. Make playlists for different emotions. Own copies of movies that make you feel better. Read books that deal with what you're going through, either literally or metaphorically. You don't have to be alone.


You can read more about Pennebaker's work here.

What helps you deal with overwhelming thoughts and emotions? Let us know in the comments.

15 Best Picture winners about mental illness

The entertainment industry has a tremendous power in shaping the public view of mental health topics. With Silver Linings Playbook, a romantic comedy featuring a protagonist with bipolar disorder, up for eight awards at tonight's Academy Awards, attention is currently being focused on the challenges faced by those affected by mental health conditions. 

It is the first movie nominated for all of the "Big Five" awards (Best Picture, Best Director, Best Screenplay, Best Actor and Best Actress) and all four acting awards (add Supporting Actor and Actress). While it is highly unlikely that it will receive all of the awards, Jennifer Lawrence is considered a frontrunner for Best Actress for her portrayal of a young widow facing a her own set of complications following the traumatic death of her husband. After seeing how the film fares tonight, I intend to write a commentary on it in the coming days. It has a lot of interesting implications.

Looking back, however, mental health conditions have definitely had their place in creating award-winning movies. Starting with the early days of the Oscars, here are fifteen films that emphasize a variety of aspects mental health and illness.

All Quiet on the Western Front (1929/30)

Showing World War I from the perspective of the Germans, this film deals with the expectations and realities of war, including the psychological aspects. Well before PTSD was officially defined, elements of it can be gleaned from previous wars, as demonstrated in this production.

Gone with the Wind (1939)

In this epic, the effects of personality disorders on oneself and others can clearly be seen. Critics have noted that heroine Scarlett O'Hara displays characteristics of narcissistic, histrionic, anti-social and borderline personality disorders. In other words, she's the epitome of the cluster B subsection. In addition, leading lady Vivien Leigh, who played O'Hara, struggled with bipolar disorder.

Rebecca (1940)

Hichcock's psychological dramatic noir thriller (thank you, Wikipedia) features characters who certainly have some significant problems. Based on the novel by Daphne du Maurier by the same name, it also handles themes such as grief, manipulation and suicide.

The Lost Weekend (1945)

With its plot centering on a writer's struggle with alcoholism, The Lost Weekend is, according to the Library of Congress, "a landmark social-problem film" with "an uncompromising look at the devastating effects of alcoholism." While the premise might seem like a cliché nowadays, it received significant opposition when it was being produced.

The Best Years of Our Lives (1946)

In the wake of World War II, a new group of veterans had to learn to adjust to civilian life. This movie follows three of them as they struggle to find normalcy. One of them, Homer, lost both hands in the war (which actually hard happened to the actor, Harold Russell). His struggle to deal with a physical handicap that he believes makes him unfit for his fiancée is metaphoric for a lot of the psychological aspects of living through a prolonged trauma like combat. Part of this film's strength is in how it shows the role of social support, both between fellow veterans and those around them.

One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)

Because the film takes place in a mental institution, there is a lot of psychological material to draw from. The characters struggle with different conditions, but they also develop a community. The tyrannical Nurse Ratched is a legendary villain and under her reign, the viewer is exposed to a lot of the treatments that have historically (and presently) been used to treat mental illnesses. It's also one of only three movies to win all of the "Big Five" Academy Awards.

Annie Hall (1977) 

Considered one of Woody Allen's greatest and most influential films, Annie Hall follows the anxious and neurotic Alvy Singer as he tries to find out why his relationship with the title character failed. This film is worth noting because while Alvy has what appears to be a clear case of generalized anxiety disorder, he has actually lived a relatively normal life. This helps show that mental illness is not just reserved for those with traumatic histories or psychotic symptoms.

Ordinary People (1980)

An upper-middle class family struggles with the accidental loss of one son and attempted suicide of another. It tackles family dynamics in a stressful environment where each individual handles grief in his own way. Since one person with mental health issues will impact the entire family, this film is important in its portrayal of the struggle for normalcy without clear direction.

Amadeus (1984)

While Amadeus is not very historically accurate, it does tackle the interesting issue of delusional obsession. As contemporary composers, Antonio Salieri cannot overcome his jealousy of Mozart's talent. The film shows how Salieri creates a worldview in which he feels justified in using a vengeful plot to gain some sort of "victory" over both Mozart and God Himself. Obsession is usually portrayed in a romantic context, making this film all the more fascinating.

Rain Man (1988)

After his father's death, the narcissistic Charlie finds out that he has a brother, Raymond, who is more or less inheriting everything from their father. An autistic savant, Raymond lives in a mental institution. The question of why Charlie was not told about his brother points directly at the issue of stigma against mental illness, even within families. 

The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

The only horror film to ever win an Oscar for Best Picture, The Silence of the Lambs is the most recent winner of the "Big Five" awards. It features Hannibal Lecter, who is both a psychiatrist and a cannibalistic serial killer. The epitome of genius and (criminal) insanity combined, this character has been deemed the greatest villain in movie history by the American Film Institute.

Forrest Gump (1994)

In this beloved movie, Tom Hanks plays Forrest Gump, a man with an intellectual developmental disability. The film displays a very positive attitude towards Forrest, giving him his own talents and showing how he contributed to a variety of historically significant events. It tackles both the challenges and joys experienced by the title character, offering a glimpse into how society treats those who are intellectually challenged.

A Beautiful Mind (2001)

Based on the Nobel-prize winning mathematician John Nash, this film tackles the role of schizophrenia in the protagonist's life. It follows the onset of the illness, which commonly manifests in early adulthood, its identification and how it affects Nash personally and professionally. It acknowledges the permanent nature of the condition, showing that he could achieve success while still experiencing symptoms.

The Hurt Locker (2009)

The effects of war are tackled again, this time with the Iraq War. The film, which made Kathryn Bigelow the first female to win Best Director, covers the acute stress experienced in a war zone and how it affects decision making. Instead of having the focus on the posttraumatic symptoms likely experience by the characters after the story's end, the movie gives insight into its development. This is a valuable perspective, considering the current public discussion surrounding PTSD.

The King's Speech (2010)

Not all mental illnesses are defined by mood or disconnect with reality. Stuttering is categorized as a mental health condition and can be comorbid with other disorders. In telling the story of King George VI, The King's Speech shows that not even royalty is immune to these challenges. With the help of a speech therapist, George admirably demonstrates the effort that goes into recovery.

Who do you think will win best picture this year? What awards do you think the cast and crew of Silver Linings Playbook might take home tonight?