Not a Day Care?

Recently, the president of a college in Oklahoma penned a note on the school's web site in response to a student who apparently complained about feeling victimized by a sermon there. Dr. Piper pointed out rather adamantly that higher education is for learning which often involves, by definition, sometimes feeling uncomfortable. He expressed the same frustrations felt by many in the field who daily struggle with the unreasonable expectations of students and others. As higher education has adopted business models along with that came a customer service orientation, not that this is always a bad thing. It can be a very good thing to improve one's services and meet the needs of customers. Sometimes, however, this progresses into an orientation of entitlement such that the customer may demand the product (a degree) with as little discomfort (dissonance or struggling) as possible, much as one might do when one purchases, say, shoes. This obviously flies the face of time-worn traditions in education since the time of Socrates. Further, those of us in the mental health professions know that any growth worth achieving is difficult, while the rewards of the struggle are enormous and life-altering.

In another part of the blogosphere, a student countered with her own message that the notion of the coddled college student is a myth. Ms. Sampath rightly points out that a great many students have real struggles having to do with overcoming trauma, discrimination, and harassment. She notes that today's student may be more vocal in their search for recognition and equality in education. There is truth in this, though I believe more so for the individual; group activism on many campuses is at an all-time low.

The two authors are both right though they capture trends in education from different vantage points. This should not be surprising since one is an administrator and one is a student, populations that often do not see eye-to-eye. We should listen carefully to both. Incorporating and adjusting to the student experience is paramount if we hope to remain relevant and just in our work. At the same time we need to uphold reasonable boundaries with respect to expectations or else we diminish our product, an educated and balanced citizen, substantially. Should we understand who our students are and how they best succeed? Absolutely. Should we allow their parents to schedule appointments for them, or lobby for a better grade? Positively not.

As with most things in life, the devil of this debate is in the details, and the truth is somewhere in between. Let's find it.

Trigger Warnings and Warning Triggers

We are living in a strange time in college mental health. One the one hand we are negotiating through thorny issues related to trigger warnings in higher education; faculty now are being counseled to take care to issue warnings to those who may be offended by course content, to soften their language, or to avoid upsetting topics altogether. Trigger warnings actually have a long history in mental health, starting with helping combat soldiers recover from trauma, then later survivors of sexual or physical trauma for the same reason. The concept now has expanded to virtually anyone with a sensitivity to something (is there anyone who does not have this?). Emotions are high on all sides of this issue. Those in recovery do not want to be overlooked or re-traumatized. Teachers and other leaders do want their speech infringed.

On the other hand, those of us working in higher education are increasingly alarmed about the press on "school shootings" (though many of these are actually targeted crimes and not random episodes of violence). Also unsettling are the debates about open and concealed carry of firearms on campus. Some have left the field altogether due to their anxiety over this. Campus police departments tend to align with the opposition to carry, and even these experts in campus safety are concerned. Others seem aloof, uninformed, or blindly supportive with no acknowledgement of the complexities involved.

So everyone has a right to their opinion, and there are good reasons for having several different views on these matters. But, seriously, are we to soften the hardships of life for everyone through our speech, but harden life for everyone through access to our weapons?

Finding Your Voice: Assertiveness

In nearly 25 years of practice, I have not met or known anyone who did not need to improve their communication skills, including yours truly. All people struggle in expressing themselves and in deciphering the meaning of others' expressions. A vast body of psychological research has repeatedly demonstrated how communication is hampered by limits in perception including biases. We can spend the rest of our lives working on this and still not achieve perfection.

But we should try anyway. One simple way to begin is to classify our speech patterns in one of four types, aiming for the most effective one of the four: assertiveness. Here are the four types:

1. Passive: failing to express one's needs or preferences, or expressing them in such an indirect manner, such that one's rights are easily overlooked or violated.
2. Aggressive: expressing one's needs or preferences in a hostile manner such that other's rights are easily overlooked or violated.
3. Passive-aggressive: Communicating in a passive manner in another's presence and an aggressive manner in their absence. (Most of what we call drama originates with this pattern.)
4. Assertive: expressing one's needs and preferences in a calm, direct, clear, and often brief manner such that others respect them and theirs are respected at the same time.

Here's the thing. All of us are capable of using all of four types of communication. That is part of what makes us human. Additionally, we tend to use each type in specific circumstances and also with specific people. Some of us are assertive at home, but not at work. Or vice versa. Some of us are assertive with a partner, but not our friends. Or with women but not men. And so on. These patterns usually derive from negative or stressful experiences and the emotional injuries or traumas that go with them, resulting in fears and anxieties arising when we are confronted by similar situations. But as with any fear or anxiety these can be overcome if you work hard enough..

We can begin this work by learning to reliably identify the patterns we use, and when and with whom we use them. This takes a lot of focus and time, so patience is needed. Once these patterns have been identified, the next task is to identify the history behind the preference; we once had good reasons for avoiding assertive communications in some scenarios, but now we have to realize that those reasons are probably no longer valid.

Now the real work begins...we must increasingly employ assertive language across all situations and all people. As you can imagine, this takes a lot of work and it progresses slowly at first. But it tends to pick up pace once you have even minor successes, and at times moves very rapidly once you get the hang of it. The quality of our lives, including the overwhelming majority of successful stress management, is then enhanced accordingly.

If you'd like a resource to accompany you on this path, try Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (2001), by Michael L. Emmons and Robert E. Alberti, Impact Publishers.

Love and War in Cyberspace

Students are quite adept at the practice of cyber-relationships. Email, IM, texting, gaming, Facebook, Twitter and other media have become popular communication methods for students, even replacing face-to-face contact for some. While such methods are appealing due to ease of use and apparent anonymity, students are often not aware of the potential problems that can result. Some of the bad things that happen in actual relationships, such as harassment, stalking, and predation, can also occur online. There is even evidence that social media use can result in negative mental health outcomes.

Here are a few tips on how to protect yourself in cyberworld:

• Protect your identity. It is not a good idea to inform the whole world of your hometown, birthdate, high school, address, telephone number, credit card information, or Social Security number. Even just one or two of these items gives a predator all the means they need to find you. Also, be aware that some online services allow users access to programs that identify the physical location of other users.
• If you are planning on actually meeting someone, request a photograph or other identifying information, and cancel your plans if he or she refuses or makes excuses.
• Also, speak with the person by telephone before meeting with him or her. You can learn a lot about a person by paying attention to their social skills.
• If you decide to meet someone, do so in a public place, tell a friend where you're going and with whom, and drive yourself to and from the meeting.
• Look for warning signals of an unhealthy relationship, whether it be online or not.
• Listen to your discomfort. If something is occurring online that makes you feel uncertain, disconnect.
• Don't break the law or violate your code of student conduct. Threats and verbal abuse that occur online are still subject to these provisions, and you'll have written proof of it too!
• Keep an online time limit. It's harder to do well in class when you're online for more than a couple of hours per day.
• Finally, there's nothing like a real, live human being. Make time to relate to others in real space too!

To learn more about protecting yourself online, talk with someone at your IT department and counseling service.

Hiatus notification

                                                                                                                    Hi, everyone!

You may have noticed that I haven't been posting as regularly as I used to. I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing well, but am very busy because I'm in the middle of starting my own business. It's very exciting, but a lot of work and that has given me less time to spend on personal projects. I am going to try to keep doing sporadic posts when I can, but it will be a little while before I can give this blog the attention it deserves.

Thank you for your patience at this exciting time in my life.

Best wishes,


                                                                                                                   Lindsey

How to Transmit Anxiety to the Next Generation

Today's college students are experiencing anxiety at higher rates than before, and anxiety is now more common than depression and many other presenting concerns. It used to be the other way around. Various arguments can be made as to why this is. One researcher claims that there has been an increase in a sense of threat combined with a diminishment in affiliating with others over the past 50 years in American culture. This would certainly be a recipe for heightened anxiety. Readers should be cautioned here: this does not mean than younger generations are "sicker", as some have claimed, more out of their own financial interests in my opinion.

Some believe that parents have responded to these cultural shifts by increasing parental supervision and control of their children, in part based on fears or mistrust of others. While there may be a rational basis for such choices, this "helicopter" parenting style may also result in further problems. The style is increasingly implicated in the problems young adults experience at a later stage. The thinking goes like this: if you put your child in a bubble to protect them, they won't learn how to handle life's scrapes and bruises and, later, cannot cope well when they have those scrapes and bruises, as we all will. Certainly, many college counselors will recognize this pattern among the issues they see in students.

It has been noted that such anxiety is even "contagious". That is, it can be transmitted from one party or generation to another over and above any contribution by genetics. This transmission may in fact happen in just the manner described above, by overprotecting them we deprive them of the opportunity to adapt. Some parents were raised in a similar manner and thus pass it along to the next generation. But this is not inevitable if we all learn how to better to confront life's challenges and gain emotional mastery over them. 

In this coping and adjustment sense, anxiety is not always bad. We have to experience it to know what to cope with and learn how best to manage it. In short, it is a necessary part of learning and maturity. Without it we can be easily overwhelmed by even the simplest of life tasks, such as managing time, taking healthy risks, coping with periods of stress, and making important decisions.

Put simply, it is always better to acquire new skills than it is to avoid a problem. This is especially true if the problem is not truly avoidable. One may successfully get through life by avoiding snakes, for example (though even that can be overcome too!). But one would have great difficulty getting through life avoiding stress and ordinary challenges.

20 things not to say to someone with a mental illness

Mental illness is hard enough to handle on its own. Having other people make insensitive comments just make it even worse. It is, however, important to acknowledge that these remarks are generally not meant to be hurtful. They often reflect a lack of understanding mixed with a desire to seem helpful or comforting. Still, words can hurt. Here are 20 things to avoid saying when speaking with someone about their mental illness (and what I’m thinking when you say it).

Stockimage/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Just snap out of it.” If I could, I would.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” Mental illness is a legitimate problem and it’s okay to have feelings about it.

“I promise it will be okay.” You have no way of knowing that.

“Why are you like that?” That’s for me and my therapist to figure out.

“Can’t you just try to be different?” I’m pretty sure I have.

“Yeah, my brother has depression, too.” Everyone experiences mental illness differently, so I don’t want to be compared to someone else.

“That’s weird.” I know. I don’t need to hear you saying it, though.

“You’ve been doing it long enough now. Stop.” There would be no need for therapy if we could go in and out of mental illness at will.

“There are others who have it worse.” I know, but suffering is not a contest.

“At least it’s only depression/anxiety.” Even the most common mental illnesses can be extremely difficult to handle.

“That’s just how you are.” Mental illness is not a character flaw.

“You brought this on yourself.” Even if I did contribute to the problem, I did not ask for this. 

“I know how you feel.” No, you don’t, and I’m offended that you think you do.

“Things will change soon.” Timing is always a big question mark with mental illness.

“It’s all in your head.” That’s why it’s called mental illness. But it affects physical health, too.

“Do something to distract yourself.” This is not nervous anticipation. It won’t just get better if I wait.

“Don’t be so negative.” I am entitled to my feelings. Besides, I’m pretty sure you would be “negative,” too, if you were in my shoes.

“It could be worse.” Yes, it could, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t difficult.

“But you have so many things to make you happy.” That doesn’t change that I’m also struggling.

“You don’t seem to have a mental illness.” Mental illness is not always apparent on the outside.

Sassy remarks aside, feel free to share this post with someone who might need a little perspective. For things you can do that are actually helpful, read this post.

What have people said to you about mental illness that you have found hurtful? How do you respond? Tell us in the comments.

Dating violence and your mental health

One of the saddest situations is hurting someone under the disguise of love. Unfortunately, abuse in the dating setting happens much too often. A third of adolescents are victims of abuse by a dating partner, while 43% of college women experience violent or abusive dating behaviors. Clearly, things can go sour long before moving in together or saying, “I do.”

Dating violence happens in many ways. Most commonly, there can be physical, sexual, verbal or emotional abuse. This doesn’t have to be extreme behavior in order for it to be legitimately abusive. You don’t have to break bones – a slap or a shove is physical violence, too. Rape is one form of sexual assault, but unwanted touching is as well. Verbal abuse may escalate to threats, but can start out with name calling or simply making you feel bad about yourself. Before controlling everything you do, an emotional abuser may start with something seemingly minor, like insisting you dress a certain way or constantly asking about where you are and what you’re doing. Abuse is abuse, no matter the degree, and abuse is wrong.

David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

There is a high emotional and psychological toll to dating violence. It sets up a pattern that allows for future abuse. It increases the risk of drug and alcohol abuse, as well as risky sexual behaviors. These things, if unchecked, can lead to a lifetime of pain. It gets so bad that half of all young people who experience both dating violence and rape attempt suicide. 

You can also experience mental illness as a result of dating violence. Depression, anxiety, phobias, posttraumatic stress disorder and sexual concerns are but a few of the potential results. Even if no specific disorder manifests, therapy may be necessary due to the stress and distortion resulting from being in a violent relationship. 

Unfortunately, leaving these types of relationships can be risky. If someone can hurt you while claiming to love you, you bet (s)he can retaliate if you try to end the relationship. Timing and safety are very important when leaving abusive relationships. This is one reason professional help is important. Creating a safety plan can honestly be a life-saver. If you are experiencing dating violence, talk to your therapist. If you feel you are in immediate danger, call 911. Otherwise, a list of some additional resources are below.

Loveisrespect

www.loveisrespect.com

1-866-331-9474

Text loveis to 22522

Chat available on website

National Domestic Violence Hotline 

www.thehotline.org

1-800-787-3224

Chat available on website

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)

www.rainn.org

1-800-656-4673

Chat available on website

Have you experienced dating violence? Share your stories and advice in the comments.

The Village and Mental Health

R. Buckminster Fuller once said that human beings were not meant to live in an area any larger than a village. This type of community, he believed, afforded us the greatest opportunity for both advancement and mutual protection. This point of view is also appropriate as we consider how to best manage the mental health of students (and ourselves).

College environments are inherently protective, due largely to proximity to others, availability of supportive resources, and the possibility of protective monitoring offered by some offices such as a dean of students or campus police. At the same time college campuses can be very large and, depending on housing features and a student's choices, isolating. Here is where "the village" comes into play.

It takes an entire campus community, the village, to advance and protect students. Too often this responsibility is left solely to certain supportive offices, such as a counseling center. While such services can and do work wonders, going a long way toward the preservation of mental health, they simply cannot and never will be able to accomplish it alone. Just as villagers must cooperate to survive, so all campus constituencies must work together for the sake of its members.

Everyone has a role and no one should be excused from this duty. From salaried administrators to those on hourly wages, each community member has knowledge of and are witness to issues student's face, no matter how remote it may seem. The primary task is to sensitize everyone to this fact, and to give them the tools they need to communicate accordingly. It is the simple buddy system, people. This system has stood the test of time since we all lived in caves, and it still works today.

The single best antidote to a host of emotional health issues and social ills is the proactive involvement of the entire campus community. When we all care for each other and are paying attention, we can resolve seemingly insurmountable problems. We can prevent episodes of depression. We can reduce anxieties. We can prevent suicide.

The training for this approach is available on most campuses. The skills needed are quite elementary and easy to learn. Often, what stands in the way is the attitude that "this is not my job", sometimes borne of an inaccurate assessment of liability. Training can address such myths as well. When you boil it all down, all that is needed is a street-level human response to student concerns. Once others are notified more sophisticated interventions can be arranged and are left in their hands. The work is not difficult to do and, just like CPR, everyone can and should be familiar with it. This ought to be required training on every college campus. And if you really want to address this worldwide, make it a part of the earliest part of all education.

Scientists Create Neurons From Blood Samples

A team of stem cell researchers, led by Mick Bhatia, director of the McMaster Stem Cell and Cancer Research Institute, have discovered that they can convert adult human blood cells into adult sensory neurons.  In other words, they developed a way to take blood samples and turn them into central nervous system and peripheral nervous system neurons.

The central nervous system (CNS) is the part of the nervous system consisting of the brain and spinal cord.  It integrates information it receives from, and coordinates and influences the activity of, all parts of the body and it contains the majority of the nervous system.

The peripheral nervous system (PNS) is the part of the nervous system that consists of the nerves and ganglia outside of the brain and spinal cord. The main function of the PNS is to connect the CNS to the limbs and organs, essentially serving as a communication relay going back and forth between the brain and the extremities. It is divided into the somatic nervous system and the autonomic nervous system.

It is no secret that understanding pain and how to treat it is complex and limited and, until now, scientists have been unable to obtain a piece of a patient’s neural system to learn more.  According to Bhatia,

"We can actually take a patient's blood sample, as routinely performed in a doctor's office, and with it we can produce one million sensory neurons, that make up the peripheral nerves in short order with this new approach. We can also make central nervous system cells, as the blood to neural conversion technology we developed creates neural stem cells during the process of conversion."

In addition, the researchers tested their process using both fresh blood and cryopreserved blood. “Since blood samples are taken and frozen with many clinical trials, this allows them […] to go back and explore questions around pain or neuropathy to run tests on neurons created from blood samples of patients taken in past clinical trials where responses and outcomes have already been recorded."

Consequently, this new perspective will allow researchers to study neurological diseases and improve treatments. It could mean blood tests might one day predict prognoses of certain diseases long before symptoms arise.  This could also mean the discovery of new medications that more effectively treat pain.  In other words, there may come a day when there is no more need for opioids to merely numb pain, which in turn reduces drug dependency.

"You don't want to feel sleepy or unaware, you just want your pain to go away. But, up until now, no one's had the ability and required technology to actually test different drugs to find something that targets the peripheral nervous system and not the central nervous system in a patient specific, or personalized manner."

Therefore, this research not only leads to a better understanding of neurological diseases, but also leads us to more effective, and less harmful, individualized treatment as well as the ability to prevent or delay the onset of neurological problems.

Blood to feeling: Scientists turn adult human blood cells into neurons

© www.mentalhealthblog.com

What Does Your Facebook Status Say About You?

Research from Brunel University in London suggests that people who post frequent status updates relating to their romantic partner or accomplishments are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem.  Facebook appears to be a means to obtain the social inclusion and acceptance certain individuals long for.

The researchers surveyed 555 Facebook users to examine personality traits (extroversion, neuroticism, openness, agreeableness and conscientiousness) as well as explore motivation behind postings. Researchers also studied their degree of self-esteem and narcissism.

The research found:

• People with low self-esteem more frequently posted status updates about their current romantic partner.

• Narcissists more frequently updated about their achievements, which was motivated by their need for attention and validation from the Facebook community. These updates also received a greater number of 'likes' and comments, indicating that narcissists' boasting may be reinforced by the attention they crave. 

• Narcissists also wrote more status updates about their diet and exercise routine, suggesting that they use Facebook to broadcast the effort they put into their physical appearance. 

• Conscientiousness was associated with writing more updates about one's children.

Obviously there is no surprise that Facebook activity reflects one’s personality, however, certain behaviours that are typically not that well tolerated may be rewarded and encouraged when status updates receive more attention via “likes” and “comments”.

For example, many “Facebook friends” may feel obliged to support incessant bragging because others, when in reality they generally find the behaviour nauseating.  This would only perpetuate further narcissistic behaviour.  The same could be said of those relentless “woe is me” status updates or the daily profile picture changes etc.

On the other hand, people that tend to post less frequently could receive less “likes” and “comments”, which could lead to social exclusion and lowered self-esteem.  In other words, Facebook may build up less well-adjusted individuals and break down the stability and security of others.

It would be interesting to see research on the “friends” that respond to such status updates, such as their likeability, personality traits and their own behaviour in the Facebook world.

It might be time to examine our own Facebook activity…

Facebook status updates reveal low self-esteem and narcissism

© www.mentalhealthblog.com

7 reasons I speak up about mental health

Imagerymajestic/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I grew up with a perception of mental health that was skewed in the way I assume it is for a lot of people. I thought you had to be really crazy to see a therapist. I believed that you either did or you didn’t have a mental illness and it didn’t occur to me that it’s really a spectrum that everyone is on. I reckoned that I probably knew a few people with some kind of “mild” mental illness, but didn’t know that one in four Americans struggles with a mental illness in any given year (NAMI). 

Boy, was I wrong about a lot of things. But I didn’t know that until I sought treatment myself and had years of experience in the therapeutic environment. As my progress with mental health increased, I also took classes on psychology in order to better understand what was going on both with myself and with others. And here I am, running a blog about the very topic that I so deeply misunderstood when I was younger.

So what changed for me to go from a stigmatized and uninformed perception to being a voice for the mentally ill? There are a few major factors.

1. I was so confused and even hurt by the mental health system that I didn’t want anyone else to have to navigate it alone and uninformed. I am empathetic and I truly just want to make this process easier for even just one person. 

2. I heard the stories of others. Whether through reading, classes or conversations, I learned about other people with struggles similar to my own. I realized that I am not alone and that when I speak up for myself, I am also standing up for a whole invisible community.

3. I realized that the mentally ill are underrepresented in society at large. Because there is so much stigma, people don’t always speak up. But silence will not change things and I feel like it’s the right path for me to be vocal about this topic. 

4. I was sick of hiding who I am. Trying to keep up a front of everything being okay was exhausting and just made me feel even worse. While I had a lot of fear about being open, everyone who is close to me now knows that I struggle with mental illness and have (eventually) been great in their responses.

5. I want to do my duty as a citizen. They say that when letters and phone calls are being made to politicians, they estimate that each person speaking up represents over 1000 people who feel the same way. I want to bring another 1000 people’s struggles to attention.

6. I want to live in a world where I can say I have a mental illness the same way others can say they have diabetes or a broken leg. I don’t want a negative, judgmental, uninformed and awkward response. I want the same courtesy and sympathy that is given to those with physical illnesses.

7. I don’t want my mental health issues to be meaningless. These are the cards I have been dealt and I choose to play them in a way that can bring hope and healing to others. 

I acknowledge that it’s a difficult topic to speak about and that not everyone wants to do so. I didn’t either, for a long time. That changed and now this is a large part of who I am.

But you don’t have to create a whole blog to be a part of the conversation. Even a single post on your blog draws attention to the topic. Today is Mental Health Month Blog Day, sponsored by the American Psychological Association. If you submit your post about mental health here today, it will be added to a list along with other people’s posts. Even if you don’t submit anything, check it out to see other people’s contributions. The more informed you are, the better you will be able to address the topic of mental health both personally and publicly.

Why do you speak up about mental health? Or what stops you from doing so? Join the discussion in the comments.

Taking risks in therapy

   

Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

We all have something that we don’t like to talk about. While therapy is an appropriate setting to explore these issues, we sometimes hold back on certain things — even in that context — out of fear. “Will I sound crazy?” “Will I be believed?” “What will my therapist think of me?” “What are the consequences of saying this?” “Will my therapist think less of me?“ These questions and more prevent us from being completely open in our treatment. 

But if you never take risks, you won’t progress when it comes to those issues. In fact, they may become worse as feelings of shame, embarrassment, guilt, hostility and unworthiness fester inside of you. The fact that you won’t talk about the topic becomes an issue in and of itself. 

The first obstacle you need to pass is trusting your therapist. You can read more about that here. In short, developing a strong therapeutic alliance in a safe relationship allow you to be more open. Keep in mind the ways in which your therapist has been trustworthy in the past. If you remind yourself of these things, opening up might not seem quite as impossible.

Still, even with trust, it can be hard to explore certain topics. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to talk about a series of events that happened a few years ago. I had been seeing the same therapist I’m seeing now at the time these things happened and my irrational fear was that I’d remember things wrong and become discredited. But I have yet to find a way around those fears. So what could I do?

It got to a point where my only options seemed to be to keep quiet and never heal or to take a risk and see what happened. After years of deliberation, I decided to just go for it and see what would happen. For me, that meant telling the story regardless of my fears. So I did. 

I was not prepared for how well that went. At first, I addressed my concerns about how he might remember things differently than I did. I asked my therapist to not go back and read his notes from the time in question and he agreed to follow my request. This removed a lot of pressure. 

It’s going to take a while to get through everything. And that’s okay. Breaking the larger story into smaller segments allows me to do a little each week. This way I get insight into each part, which helps me understand the larger context at play. While the content is very difficult and, at times, triggering, I’m feeling better about myself and am more realistic about my role in those events.

Jumping in is not always the solution, but I’m pretty sure that at this point in the post, you have a specific issue or situation in mind. Test the waters. See what happens. Be honest about your concerns. You can discuss them before you get to the actual content. But when you’re ready, opening up despite fear can be extremely healing. I know it has been for me.

What risks have you taken in therapy? How did it work out? Tell us about it in the comments.

Rule of Thumb: Getting Involved

In some ways college students are more connected than ever. Social media has provided multiple methods of staying in touch with friends and sharing information and content. Gaming has also provided a venue of being connected with others and having fun at the same time.

But in other ways many students are not connected at all, and they struggle with "face-time" that is real and not just virtual. Many living environments are both heavily wired and private; if one chooses one may isolate for huge chunks of time and "communicate" widely, yet not actually interact with anyone at all. This is a recipe for diminishing mental health.

So here is a rule of thumb to protect against that deterioration: at least twice a week, get involved in something that takes you out of your living environment, puts you in physical contact with others, and has nothing to do with class, work, or partying. This simple strategy incorporates crucial skill sets which, once learned, will benefit you for a lifetime. The skills also promote good mental health and are also related to retention and academic success.

So what kinds of things can you do? Most students had interests and hobbies in middle and high school, but they may have drifted from them in the excitement of starting college. Consider returning to them, or perhaps be more adventurous and take up new ones. Psychologists believe that learning new skills every five years or so is actually protective of brain health, so it will be good for you on that score as well. On most campuses there are dozens if not hundreds of student organizations, covering topics such as sport, politics or advocacy, environmental awareness, outdoor recreation, art, and so on. If you can't find one that suits you, start your own. You can also see some ideas on this list. There is really no excuse not to try something.

On the other hand, there is no need to get over-involved, as this can lead to meaningless activity and burnout. Trying new activities also does not have to lead to long-term commitment. Simply try some and if they don't feel like a good fit, move on and try another. Frankly, what you pick does not matter. What matters is that you pick something in the first place, and that you expand your skills and relationships. This is part of the recipe for feeling satisfied and in good emotional health, and generally your grades will improve too. That's hard to beat!

5 techniques for the moment you are overwhelmed

We all have those moments where we are hit with something overwhelming. Whether it be an argument, a panic attack or a piece of bad news, our gut reactions aren’t always the most helpful. That’s why it’s important to have coping strategies for those first few moments. Try one of these techniques the next time you need to stay calm while dealing with a big emotion.

1. Use breathing techniques

There’s a breathing trick I have been using lately to help calm down and refocus. First, you close your eyes. Feel everything that’s inside you and pick a word that best describes your emotions. Now, forget about that while you breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts and breathe out for eight counts, thinking only of your breath (or, if you’re like me, the counting). Do this three times, then check inside again and label your emotion. You should be seeing at least some improvement. Keep doing this as many times as you feel necessary.

  

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2. Accept the situation

There are things we simply cannot change. They happen and we have to deal with them. Instead of thinking thoughts like, “This can’t be happening!” or “That’s completely wrong!”, try just accepting it. Your outrage is not going to change the situation. Accepting is not the same as agreeing. Accepting means facing reality for what it is instead of delving into your own pathology. By trying to make something different than what it is, you are wasting your time and mental resources. Make the decision to accept whatever happened and then see how you can have a helpful reaction.

3. Take a break

There are some situations that have to be dealt with immediately, but often you don’t actually have to respond at once. When you are overwhelmed, step aside from the incident until you can gather yourself. You can tell the others involved that you need a moment, but you can also take a timeout without letting on why. Just go to the bathroom or say that you need to check that you turned off the stove. Anything is helpful. Another trick for smaller breaks is to have a drink with you. When you need a moment, just take a sip. It’s amazing how big of a difference a few seconds can make.

4. Ask for help

If someone else is in a position to be helpful, just ask. If it’s difficult for you, it’s often difficult for someone else, too. They’ll understand and do what they can. You can call a sister and vent, go out on the town with a friend or simply ask your therapist to hand you a tissue. Feeling alone in a situation can make it so much worse, so showing yourself that you are loved and cared for can be very calming.

5. Express yourself

Sometimes, feelings demand action. Some of the options that occur to us are healthy; some are not. Pause to make sure your action is appropriate before you act. Punching a wall might sound therapeutic, but you can hurt yourself and/or the wall.  You could hit a pillow a few times instead. If appropriate, you could also respectfully state out loud what you are feeling and experiencing. If you don’t have the option of expressing yourself in the moment, make a mental note of how you will do it later. This could be journaling, exercising or talking to your therapist, for instance. Knowing that you have an outlet later can help you better focus in the moment.

What do you do in the moments you are overwhelmed? Give your own tips in the comments.

Mental health myths: Intelligence

Sometimes, I take the opportunity to discuss mental health myths and the truths behind them. There is so much misinformation out there and we all need to do our part to help others see the truth about mental illness. This time, I’m talking about intelligence.

Myth: People with mental illnesses are less intelligent.

Fact: Mental illnesses, learning disorders and intellectual disabilities are not the same thing.

   

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While psychologists diagnose mental illnesses, learning disabilities and intellectual disabilities, they are not the same thing. What we commonly refer to as “mental illness” generally means the emotional disorders, with symptoms such as depression, anxiety, psychosis and so on. These are what I talk about most of the time on this blog. They don’t, however, have anything to do with how intelligent you are.

Learning disorders are when you have a problem with your cognition that leaves you on unequal footing with your peers when it comes to your capacity to learn. These include, for instance, dyslexia, math disability and, depending on who you ask, ADHD. These are caused by the way your brain processes information. But they still aren’t a measure of how intelligent you are, just the way you learn and what you struggle with.

Intellectual disabilities are about intelligence. While the actual diagnostic criteria are a little more complicated, they are generally considered to be associated with an IQ of 70 or lower. Since the average IQ is 100 (more or less), this puts someone with an intellectual disability at a serious disadvantage. For comparison, above average intelligence is generally considered 110 and higher. That means that the difference between average and gifted is smaller than that of average and intellectually disabled. An intellectual disability therefore means that you have very real struggles in your day-to-day functioning. 

So how do they all relate? 

• Mental illness is not correlated with IQ.

• You can have a learning disorder without having an intellectual disability.

• Intellectual disabilities and learning disorders can influence each other, but one is not a measure of the other.

Think of the whole “crazy genius” archetype, if nothing else. There have been enough people with extraordinary intelligence and a mental illness for that idea to even exist. Anecdotally, some of the smartest people I’ve met have struggled with some form of mental illness or even a learning disorder. People considered intelligent are just as likely to have a mental illness as those who are less intelligent. 

Intelligence is also not measured perfectly by IQ testing. Artistic aptitude, for instance, is not measured on standardized tests. Neither are your ability to build something with your hands or your social intelligence. The truth is, intelligence comes in many forms. And here another archetype comes into place: the idiot savant. There are people who struggle with overall intelligence, but are geniuses in a specific area. These individuals can have just as much to offer as anyone else, just in a very specific way.

Whether someone has a mental illness, a learning disorder, an intellectual disability or none of these at all, everyone deserves respect. Don’t treat others as if you assume they are “stupid.” Differences in intelligence are a part of human existence, just like race, sexuality, religion, physical illnesses and so on. And remember that emotional disorders have nothing to do with intelligence. They happen to the best of us.

What has your experience been with mental illness and intelligence? Share your stories in the comments.

100 ways to improve your mental health

We’ve reached a milestone today – this is my 100th post! To celebrate, I decided to make a list of 100 things. The most helpful idea that came to mind was ways to improve mental health, so here it is. I have broken the list down into categories so that you can find the ones that are the most relevant for what you are working on. (Another milestone: Happy birthday, A. You’re my favorite.)

  

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Emotionally

1. Honor your emotions for what they are and accept them fully.

2. Do something that makes you happy every day.

3. Remember that feelings are temporary; they will always change.

4. Express your emotions creatively.

5. Ask for help when you feel overwhelmed.

6. Know when to back out of a situation.

7. Stop your thinking and ask yourself what you are actually feeling and why.

8. Use a feelings chart to identify what you are experiencing.

9. Surround yourself with little things that make you happy – flowers, art, scented candles, etc.

10. Find positive and uplifting entertainment.

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Mentally

11. Stay in the present.

12. Deal with stress as it comes up.

13. Eliminate bad habits. 

14. Set realistic goals and work towards them.

15. Stop using negative words to describe yourself.

16. Reward yourself for doing difficult things.

17. Take a break when you need it.

18. Find new ways to do things.

19. Stop and consider other perspectives on what you’re experiencing.

20. Use good common sense.

                                                                                              Physically

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21. Exercise regularly.

22. Take time to relax.

23. Eat three meals a day.

24. Take your medication as prescribed.

25. Stay at a healthy weight. 

26. Get enough sleep.

27. See a doctor when you need to.

28. Choose healthy food.

29. Stay away from harmful substances.

30. Love your body as best you can.

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Socially

31. Rely on your support system.

32. Spend time with other people regularly.

33. Be a helpful friend.

34. Respect the needs of others and expect that they do the same.

35. Engage in volunteer work.

36. Eliminate negative influences in your life.

37. Set and keep healthy boundaries.

38. Make time for yourself.

39. Be clear in your communication.

40. Be considerate.

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Intellectually

41. Be educated about your disorder(s).

42. Learn something new every day.

43. Study things you genuinely find interesting.

44. Study something you know absolutely nothing about.

45. Do mind exercises like sudoku, crossword puzzles and word games.

46. Talk to other people about what they do.

47. Take an evening or community course.

48. Think up funny jokes and witty responses.

49. Take notes when you are learning about something. Refer to them later.

50. Do calculations in your head instead of using your phone.

Spiritually

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51. Practice mindfulness

52. Meditate and/or pray.

53. Eliminate unhealthy beliefs.

54. Rely on a higher power.

55. Learn about the beliefs of others.

56. Journal about your spiritual experiences.

57. Share your spiritual experiences with open-minded loved ones.

58. Forgive.

59. Find or decide on your life’s purpose and live it.

60. Stay true to what you believe.

                                                             Environmentally

                                                             61. Surround yourself with beautiful things.

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62. Hang up motivational posters.

63. Spend time in nature.

64. Keep your home clean.

65. Use sticky notes to post affirmations where you’ll see them frequently.

66. Support any environmental causes you believe in.

67. Use your resources well.

68. Take basic safety precautions.

69. Repair broken things so they don’t continue to frustrate you.

70. Stay organized.

Occupationally

71. Do things you love.

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72. Know your limits when it comes to work.

73. Develop schedules and routines.

74. Simplify your work.

75. Get support from colleagues when necessary.

76. Keep good boundaries between your personal and professional lives.

77. Compliment coworkers on a job well done.

78. If you are unhappy in your job, look for a new one.

79. Multitask less.

80. Take a day off when you need to.

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Self-care

81. Journal regularly. 

82. Go for a walk.

83. Make your favorite meal.

84. Use grounding techniques.

85. Have a list of coping skills.

86. Be patient.

87. Keep a gratitude journal.

88. Go easy on yourself.

89. Respect yourself.

Other

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91. Stand up for yourself.

92. Believe you can get better.

93. Keep a beginner’s mindset.

94. Learn from every experience.

95. Keep some money in savings.

96. Have alternatives for self-destructive behaviors.

97. Be prepared for change.

98. Have a safety plan.

99. Stay progress-oriented.

100. Make a list of personal reasons to recover.

Do you have any tips to add? Please do so in the comments!

My top 10 posts

The next post I make will be number 100 and I have a special post coming up for that. Here at number 99, I figured I’d look back at my top 10 most popular posts. They cover a variety of topics and exercises to do at home.

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10. Lapse, relapse and recovery

“Part of recovery is relapse. It's almost expected. At some point, after things have gotten better, they'll probably get worse again. The truth is, though, that your attitude towards relapses will have a big impact on how you handle them and whether you can use them to grow.”

9. 7 signs you need a new therapist

“Not every therapist is a good match for every client. This means that sometimes, finding someone else is the best thing to do to progress in your recovery. There are, of course, reasons to stay with the one you have. By working through your differences, you develop a stronger bond and learn how to manage relationships outside the therapy room. But if any of the following points are a problem, then it might be time to find someone new.”

8. 10 journal prompts to improve relationships

“Journaling is a very powerful way to explore yourself and come to a better understanding of who you are. I thought we’d look at some other ideas to write about. This time, we’ll take a look at questions that can help you improve your relationships.”

7. Learning to trust your therapist

“It’s hard to make progress in therapy if you don’t trust your therapist. Trust is essential to the therapeutic relationship, which in turn is essential to recovery. But for many people, it’s by no means easy to open up to a complete stranger and talk about the most personal parts of their lives. This is where trust building comes in.”

6. 10 signs of mental illness you should never ignore

“There are a lot of symptoms of mental illness, more than anyone can list off the top of their heads. But some are more severe than others. Here are a few of the ones where you should immediately seek advice from a mental health professional.“

5. You don’t need to justify your mental illness

“You might have certain beliefs that invalidate your mental illness. They might be reasons why you shouldn’t be mentally ill or why your illness is not that serious. You may even feel guilty for seeking treatment. One of the biggest causes for these thoughts is comparison to others.”

4. 15 Best Picture winners about mental illness

“The entertainment industry has a tremendous power in shaping the public view of mental health topics. With Silver Linings Playbook, a romantic comedy featuring a protagonist with bipolar disorder, up for eight awards at tonight's Academy Awards, attention is currently being focused on the challenges faced by those affected by mental health conditions.”

3. 3 art therapy exercises to do at home

“Art therapy is a form of treatment that allows for expression beyond words. It gives you a chance to look at your problems in a different way and learn more about yourself. Today I thought I'd share three different exercises you can do at home. I've included examples of my own work.”

2. 20 questions to ask a potential therapist

“First sessions with therapists can be kind of like first dates or job interviews. You want to find someone who is a good fit for you, so you ask a lot of questions. Figuring out what to ask, however, might not be the easiest thing to do while you’re in the moment. Pick whichever of the following questions are the most important to you and bring a list to your fist session. It’s better to know sooner rather than later if your therapist is the right person for you to be working with.”

1. 15 journal prompts to increase self-reflection

“Journaling can be a great way of expressing what is going on inside of you. Writing forces you to slow down your thinking and be more mindful of your words, leading you to reach a deeper understanding of what you are going through. This can help you gain insights that let you progress on your journey towards healing.”

What have your favorite posts been? If you tell me in the comments, I can write more like them.

A case for family treatment

We cannot escape family. Their presence or absence will always impact us on some level because family is interconnected in a way that nothing else is. It’s foundational to who we are. A family can be composed in many ways – with blood being only one possible tie – and we will all have different “families” throughout our lifetimes. Sometimes we may be more alone than others, but we all started in a family and that is paramount to the people we become.

There’s an analogy that compares a family to a mobile or a wind chime. There are independent units, but you can’t move one without moving the others. Everything we do impacts our families – and everything they do impacts us. For instance, if a child graduates high school and moves out to go to college, the family has to readjust to the environment without that person. This can mean practical changes, such as redistributing chores, or emotional ones, like when the sibling closest to the one who moved feels left out and has to form new bonds with the remaining family.

  

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There’s a concept in psychology called the “identified patient” (IP). The IP is the family member who has a “problem.” This could be an alcoholic parent, a child failing out of school or someone struggling with physical or mental illness. Everyone else in the family can convince themselves that they are okay because they are not the IP. In this way, all the problems of the entire family get shifted on to one person. 

This isn’t done with bad intentions. Often, the family has benevolent or fond feelings for the IP. A wife will make excuses for her partner’s absences due to a drug problem in order to save face or get him off the hook. A parent gives a child lots of attention because she’s acting out at school. A teenager is happy to have an ill brother because he distracts the parents so she can rebel. This isn’t the family being mean. It’s the family adjusting.

These adjustments that are made for the IP do, however, have consequences. The wife is saving the husband from the repercussions of his drug problem, enabling him to continue to use. The siblings of the “problem child” feel like their parents don’t care about them. The sister gets in trouble because the parents were busy caring for the sick brother. Trying to cover up the problem is just creating more problems, but because they aren’t the IP, the other family members eschew their own troubles in favor of those of the IP.

Remember that mobile? One person “moves” by having a problem and everyone else shifts their problems somewhere else. 

This brings up the question of where the real problem lies. Is the identified patient of concern, or is it the family as a whole? What starts out as an obstacle for one family member can set off a chain reaction wherein everyone becomes involved.

So what happens when the IP gets better? First of all, the family often stands in the way of the IP improving. If her problems are resolved, then theirs become real again. While the family wants what’s best for the IP, they also want to retain the balance they have established. They might even fear becoming the next IP because the family doesn’t know how to function without one. 

This is why family treatment is so important. It allows all the cards to be put on the table, making it easier to notice connections between family members and their various problems. Sometimes, having a mental health professional take a look at your family unit as a whole can help all of the family better understand what is going on and how to make the family healthier. Everyone’s problems get a chance to be addressed, not just the IP. A good therapist will know not to blame the IP for everything.

   

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Family treatment can cause upset, though. It’s a time of change as new habits and coping skills need to be put in place. It will bring out all sorts of things that no one knew were there and things might even feel worse for a while. But having the family unit heal both individually and as a whole is worth it. There is no price for having stronger, healthier bonds and better problem management. 

When each family member learns to see what he contributes to the problem, he can learn valuable information about how he relates to others, which will be useful in any type of relationship. As she examines her real issues and how she displaces them, she can learn to take more responsibility and thereby have more control over her life. None of us exist in isolation and none of us can heal that way.
                                                                                                                   Individual and common concerns are intricately
                                                                                                                   interwoven.

Even if all the family members aren’t struggling, consider getting treatment together anyway. If nothing else, the love and support shown by joining the treatment is irreplaceable. There is work that simply cannot be done in individual therapy. Besides, by learning healthier patterns, you can improve the lives of the generations to come by having and teaching the skills necessary to have a healthy and happy family.

Have you had any experiences with family treatment? Post your experience in the comments.