Have hope – it will change

  

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Mental illness has a way of trapping you into thinking that you are stuck in it forever. A depressed person doesn’t lay in bed for three weeks and say, “Two more and I’m good.” Someone doesn’t think, “I’ll have five more panic attacks and then I’m done.” It’s pervasive. And even if you can logically convince yourself that it isn’t going to last forever, it’s hard to believe it enough to get the accompanying feeling of relief. It’s like a kid the week before Christmas. It drags on forever. 

The point is, though, that it isn’t forever. Like I said, it’s hard to believe. Really hard. But it’s true. There is an end to it. Even if you are suffering from a lifelong condition, the way it manifests will change. There will be variation. The pain you are feeling won’t feel the same way for the rest of your days. 

There is always change. If you aren’t changing, the world around you is. You might not be capable of changing yourself at the moment. That’s okay. Some days/weeks/months/years/decades are like that. But others aren’t. An acquaintance might transform into a good friend. A family member might have a burst of inspiration that results in him being more helpful. Your therapist can learn something new about your diagnosis and apply it to your treatment. You have to believe in change.

Change happens on larger scales, too. Psychologists do studies to find out which treatments are more effective and why. Scientists invent new medications. People learn to become more sensitive to mental health issues. You never know when the next breakthrough is around the corner.

That is why you have to believe that change is possible. It’s happening around you all the time. But it is possible for change to happen to you as well. It might take a really long time, but it does happen. I tried several different medications of a certain class before we found one that worked. Did it suck until we found it? Yeah. Did some of them make me worse? Yes. But when we did find it, it made my life easier. I was in therapy for seven years before I decided to take a chance on a new treatment approach and it transformed my life. I’ve had bad relationships. If I had given up on people, I would not have a boyfriend that makes me better every single day.

You never know how long it will take to change and that’s scary. It really is. I spent over a decade almost constantly fighting with a certain terrible feeling before it subsided. If you’d told me at the start that that’s how long it would take, I might have given up before even trying to get better. That amount of time is overwhelming. But it is a lot shorter than the rest of my life.

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I’ve asked myself if it was worth it. How long can you endure misery before the chance of getting better is no longer worth it? There were times when I would have said not another day. Sometimes, I would have said that ridiculously many days in a row. But part of me didn’t let go. And eventually, things did turn around. 

It seems easy to say that, well, in retrospect it might be worth it. When you’re not in the midst of it, you can say it was possible to overcome. But my life is still affected by mental illness every single day. There are things I want to do that I can’t. Sometimes, I still get set off and have to spend a few days under the covers. But I have also found many things that are worth it. I have found relationships I could not have been healthy enough to manage before. I have come across new interests and started new hobbies that I would not have had the energy or concentration to learn about before. Even running this blog gives my life some sense of meaning. 

No one was more annoyed with the whole, “It gets better,” attitude than me. I felt like an exception. But the fact is that despite feeling hopeless, I still kept trying to get better. That effort pays off eventually. It will be small victories at first. It might be forgetting you’re suicidal for an hour or going a single day without drinking. But every bit of progress is still progress and it’s moving you forward. It might take you a thousand steps to get to somewhere when it takes someone else only 10, but you can still get there. 

With time, those steps do add up. Every day that you do your best matters. Everything is constantly in motion and you are becoming a new person minute by minute. Making the choice to recover helps you become a happier and healthier person. So love yourself for trying. That is one thing I always hold on to: I never stop trying. Knowing that alone has a powerful impact.

What gives you hope? Share stories in the comments.