Finding Your Voice: Assertiveness

In nearly 25 years of practice, I have not met or known anyone who did not need to improve their communication skills, including yours truly. All people struggle in expressing themselves and in deciphering the meaning of others' expressions. A vast body of psychological research has repeatedly demonstrated how communication is hampered by limits in perception including biases. We can spend the rest of our lives working on this and still not achieve perfection.

But we should try anyway. One simple way to begin is to classify our speech patterns in one of four types, aiming for the most effective one of the four: assertiveness. Here are the four types:

1. Passive: failing to express one's needs or preferences, or expressing them in such an indirect manner, such that one's rights are easily overlooked or violated.
2. Aggressive: expressing one's needs or preferences in a hostile manner such that other's rights are easily overlooked or violated.
3. Passive-aggressive: Communicating in a passive manner in another's presence and an aggressive manner in their absence. (Most of what we call drama originates with this pattern.)
4. Assertive: expressing one's needs and preferences in a calm, direct, clear, and often brief manner such that others respect them and theirs are respected at the same time.

Here's the thing. All of us are capable of using all of four types of communication. That is part of what makes us human. Additionally, we tend to use each type in specific circumstances and also with specific people. Some of us are assertive at home, but not at work. Or vice versa. Some of us are assertive with a partner, but not our friends. Or with women but not men. And so on. These patterns usually derive from negative or stressful experiences and the emotional injuries or traumas that go with them, resulting in fears and anxieties arising when we are confronted by similar situations. But as with any fear or anxiety these can be overcome if you work hard enough..

We can begin this work by learning to reliably identify the patterns we use, and when and with whom we use them. This takes a lot of focus and time, so patience is needed. Once these patterns have been identified, the next task is to identify the history behind the preference; we once had good reasons for avoiding assertive communications in some scenarios, but now we have to realize that those reasons are probably no longer valid.

Now the real work begins...we must increasingly employ assertive language across all situations and all people. As you can imagine, this takes a lot of work and it progresses slowly at first. But it tends to pick up pace once you have even minor successes, and at times moves very rapidly once you get the hang of it. The quality of our lives, including the overwhelming majority of successful stress management, is then enhanced accordingly.

If you'd like a resource to accompany you on this path, try Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (2001), by Michael L. Emmons and Robert E. Alberti, Impact Publishers.

Love and War in Cyberspace

Students are quite adept at the practice of cyber-relationships. Email, IM, texting, gaming, Facebook, Twitter and other media have become popular communication methods for students, even replacing face-to-face contact for some. While such methods are appealing due to ease of use and apparent anonymity, students are often not aware of the potential problems that can result. Some of the bad things that happen in actual relationships, such as harassment, stalking, and predation, can also occur online. There is even evidence that social media use can result in negative mental health outcomes.

Here are a few tips on how to protect yourself in cyberworld:

• Protect your identity. It is not a good idea to inform the whole world of your hometown, birthdate, high school, address, telephone number, credit card information, or Social Security number. Even just one or two of these items gives a predator all the means they need to find you. Also, be aware that some online services allow users access to programs that identify the physical location of other users.
• If you are planning on actually meeting someone, request a photograph or other identifying information, and cancel your plans if he or she refuses or makes excuses.
• Also, speak with the person by telephone before meeting with him or her. You can learn a lot about a person by paying attention to their social skills.
• If you decide to meet someone, do so in a public place, tell a friend where you're going and with whom, and drive yourself to and from the meeting.
• Look for warning signals of an unhealthy relationship, whether it be online or not.
• Listen to your discomfort. If something is occurring online that makes you feel uncertain, disconnect.
• Don't break the law or violate your code of student conduct. Threats and verbal abuse that occur online are still subject to these provisions, and you'll have written proof of it too!
• Keep an online time limit. It's harder to do well in class when you're online for more than a couple of hours per day.
• Finally, there's nothing like a real, live human being. Make time to relate to others in real space too!

To learn more about protecting yourself online, talk with someone at your IT department and counseling service.

Hiatus notification

                                                                                                                    Hi, everyone!

You may have noticed that I haven't been posting as regularly as I used to. I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing well, but am very busy because I'm in the middle of starting my own business. It's very exciting, but a lot of work and that has given me less time to spend on personal projects. I am going to try to keep doing sporadic posts when I can, but it will be a little while before I can give this blog the attention it deserves.

Thank you for your patience at this exciting time in my life.

Best wishes,


                                                                                                                   Lindsey

How to Transmit Anxiety to the Next Generation

Today's college students are experiencing anxiety at higher rates than before, and anxiety is now more common than depression and many other presenting concerns. It used to be the other way around. Various arguments can be made as to why this is. One researcher claims that there has been an increase in a sense of threat combined with a diminishment in affiliating with others over the past 50 years in American culture. This would certainly be a recipe for heightened anxiety. Readers should be cautioned here: this does not mean than younger generations are "sicker", as some have claimed, more out of their own financial interests in my opinion.

Some believe that parents have responded to these cultural shifts by increasing parental supervision and control of their children, in part based on fears or mistrust of others. While there may be a rational basis for such choices, this "helicopter" parenting style may also result in further problems. The style is increasingly implicated in the problems young adults experience at a later stage. The thinking goes like this: if you put your child in a bubble to protect them, they won't learn how to handle life's scrapes and bruises and, later, cannot cope well when they have those scrapes and bruises, as we all will. Certainly, many college counselors will recognize this pattern among the issues they see in students.

It has been noted that such anxiety is even "contagious". That is, it can be transmitted from one party or generation to another over and above any contribution by genetics. This transmission may in fact happen in just the manner described above, by overprotecting them we deprive them of the opportunity to adapt. Some parents were raised in a similar manner and thus pass it along to the next generation. But this is not inevitable if we all learn how to better to confront life's challenges and gain emotional mastery over them. 

In this coping and adjustment sense, anxiety is not always bad. We have to experience it to know what to cope with and learn how best to manage it. In short, it is a necessary part of learning and maturity. Without it we can be easily overwhelmed by even the simplest of life tasks, such as managing time, taking healthy risks, coping with periods of stress, and making important decisions.

Put simply, it is always better to acquire new skills than it is to avoid a problem. This is especially true if the problem is not truly avoidable. One may successfully get through life by avoiding snakes, for example (though even that can be overcome too!). But one would have great difficulty getting through life avoiding stress and ordinary challenges.

20 things not to say to someone with a mental illness

Mental illness is hard enough to handle on its own. Having other people make insensitive comments just make it even worse. It is, however, important to acknowledge that these remarks are generally not meant to be hurtful. They often reflect a lack of understanding mixed with a desire to seem helpful or comforting. Still, words can hurt. Here are 20 things to avoid saying when speaking with someone about their mental illness (and what I’m thinking when you say it).

Stockimage/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Just snap out of it.” If I could, I would.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” Mental illness is a legitimate problem and it’s okay to have feelings about it.

“I promise it will be okay.” You have no way of knowing that.

“Why are you like that?” That’s for me and my therapist to figure out.

“Can’t you just try to be different?” I’m pretty sure I have.

“Yeah, my brother has depression, too.” Everyone experiences mental illness differently, so I don’t want to be compared to someone else.

“That’s weird.” I know. I don’t need to hear you saying it, though.

“You’ve been doing it long enough now. Stop.” There would be no need for therapy if we could go in and out of mental illness at will.

“There are others who have it worse.” I know, but suffering is not a contest.

“At least it’s only depression/anxiety.” Even the most common mental illnesses can be extremely difficult to handle.

“That’s just how you are.” Mental illness is not a character flaw.

“You brought this on yourself.” Even if I did contribute to the problem, I did not ask for this. 

“I know how you feel.” No, you don’t, and I’m offended that you think you do.

“Things will change soon.” Timing is always a big question mark with mental illness.

“It’s all in your head.” That’s why it’s called mental illness. But it affects physical health, too.

“Do something to distract yourself.” This is not nervous anticipation. It won’t just get better if I wait.

“Don’t be so negative.” I am entitled to my feelings. Besides, I’m pretty sure you would be “negative,” too, if you were in my shoes.

“It could be worse.” Yes, it could, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t difficult.

“But you have so many things to make you happy.” That doesn’t change that I’m also struggling.

“You don’t seem to have a mental illness.” Mental illness is not always apparent on the outside.

Sassy remarks aside, feel free to share this post with someone who might need a little perspective. For things you can do that are actually helpful, read this post.

What have people said to you about mental illness that you have found hurtful? How do you respond? Tell us in the comments.

Dating violence and your mental health

One of the saddest situations is hurting someone under the disguise of love. Unfortunately, abuse in the dating setting happens much too often. A third of adolescents are victims of abuse by a dating partner, while 43% of college women experience violent or abusive dating behaviors. Clearly, things can go sour long before moving in together or saying, “I do.”

Dating violence happens in many ways. Most commonly, there can be physical, sexual, verbal or emotional abuse. This doesn’t have to be extreme behavior in order for it to be legitimately abusive. You don’t have to break bones – a slap or a shove is physical violence, too. Rape is one form of sexual assault, but unwanted touching is as well. Verbal abuse may escalate to threats, but can start out with name calling or simply making you feel bad about yourself. Before controlling everything you do, an emotional abuser may start with something seemingly minor, like insisting you dress a certain way or constantly asking about where you are and what you’re doing. Abuse is abuse, no matter the degree, and abuse is wrong.

David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

There is a high emotional and psychological toll to dating violence. It sets up a pattern that allows for future abuse. It increases the risk of drug and alcohol abuse, as well as risky sexual behaviors. These things, if unchecked, can lead to a lifetime of pain. It gets so bad that half of all young people who experience both dating violence and rape attempt suicide. 

You can also experience mental illness as a result of dating violence. Depression, anxiety, phobias, posttraumatic stress disorder and sexual concerns are but a few of the potential results. Even if no specific disorder manifests, therapy may be necessary due to the stress and distortion resulting from being in a violent relationship. 

Unfortunately, leaving these types of relationships can be risky. If someone can hurt you while claiming to love you, you bet (s)he can retaliate if you try to end the relationship. Timing and safety are very important when leaving abusive relationships. This is one reason professional help is important. Creating a safety plan can honestly be a life-saver. If you are experiencing dating violence, talk to your therapist. If you feel you are in immediate danger, call 911. Otherwise, a list of some additional resources are below.

Loveisrespect

www.loveisrespect.com

1-866-331-9474

Text loveis to 22522

Chat available on website

National Domestic Violence Hotline 

www.thehotline.org

1-800-787-3224

Chat available on website

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)

www.rainn.org

1-800-656-4673

Chat available on website

Have you experienced dating violence? Share your stories and advice in the comments.

The Village and Mental Health

R. Buckminster Fuller once said that human beings were not meant to live in an area any larger than a village. This type of community, he believed, afforded us the greatest opportunity for both advancement and mutual protection. This point of view is also appropriate as we consider how to best manage the mental health of students (and ourselves).

College environments are inherently protective, due largely to proximity to others, availability of supportive resources, and the possibility of protective monitoring offered by some offices such as a dean of students or campus police. At the same time college campuses can be very large and, depending on housing features and a student's choices, isolating. Here is where "the village" comes into play.

It takes an entire campus community, the village, to advance and protect students. Too often this responsibility is left solely to certain supportive offices, such as a counseling center. While such services can and do work wonders, going a long way toward the preservation of mental health, they simply cannot and never will be able to accomplish it alone. Just as villagers must cooperate to survive, so all campus constituencies must work together for the sake of its members.

Everyone has a role and no one should be excused from this duty. From salaried administrators to those on hourly wages, each community member has knowledge of and are witness to issues student's face, no matter how remote it may seem. The primary task is to sensitize everyone to this fact, and to give them the tools they need to communicate accordingly. It is the simple buddy system, people. This system has stood the test of time since we all lived in caves, and it still works today.

The single best antidote to a host of emotional health issues and social ills is the proactive involvement of the entire campus community. When we all care for each other and are paying attention, we can resolve seemingly insurmountable problems. We can prevent episodes of depression. We can reduce anxieties. We can prevent suicide.

The training for this approach is available on most campuses. The skills needed are quite elementary and easy to learn. Often, what stands in the way is the attitude that "this is not my job", sometimes borne of an inaccurate assessment of liability. Training can address such myths as well. When you boil it all down, all that is needed is a street-level human response to student concerns. Once others are notified more sophisticated interventions can be arranged and are left in their hands. The work is not difficult to do and, just like CPR, everyone can and should be familiar with it. This ought to be required training on every college campus. And if you really want to address this worldwide, make it a part of the earliest part of all education.