20 things not to say to someone with a mental illness

Mental illness is hard enough to handle on its own. Having other people make insensitive comments just make it even worse. It is, however, important to acknowledge that these remarks are generally not meant to be hurtful. They often reflect a lack of understanding mixed with a desire to seem helpful or comforting. Still, words can hurt. Here are 20 things to avoid saying when speaking with someone about their mental illness (and what I’m thinking when you say it).

Stockimage/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Just snap out of it.” If I could, I would.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” Mental illness is a legitimate problem and it’s okay to have feelings about it.

“I promise it will be okay.” You have no way of knowing that.

“Why are you like that?” That’s for me and my therapist to figure out.

“Can’t you just try to be different?” I’m pretty sure I have.

“Yeah, my brother has depression, too.” Everyone experiences mental illness differently, so I don’t want to be compared to someone else.

“That’s weird.” I know. I don’t need to hear you saying it, though.

“You’ve been doing it long enough now. Stop.” There would be no need for therapy if we could go in and out of mental illness at will.

“There are others who have it worse.” I know, but suffering is not a contest.

“At least it’s only depression/anxiety.” Even the most common mental illnesses can be extremely difficult to handle.

“That’s just how you are.” Mental illness is not a character flaw.

“You brought this on yourself.” Even if I did contribute to the problem, I did not ask for this. 

“I know how you feel.” No, you don’t, and I’m offended that you think you do.

“Things will change soon.” Timing is always a big question mark with mental illness.

“It’s all in your head.” That’s why it’s called mental illness. But it affects physical health, too.

“Do something to distract yourself.” This is not nervous anticipation. It won’t just get better if I wait.

“Don’t be so negative.” I am entitled to my feelings. Besides, I’m pretty sure you would be “negative,” too, if you were in my shoes.

“It could be worse.” Yes, it could, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t difficult.

“But you have so many things to make you happy.” That doesn’t change that I’m also struggling.

“You don’t seem to have a mental illness.” Mental illness is not always apparent on the outside.

Sassy remarks aside, feel free to share this post with someone who might need a little perspective. For things you can do that are actually helpful, read this post.

What have people said to you about mental illness that you have found hurtful? How do you respond? Tell us in the comments.

Dating violence and your mental health

One of the saddest situations is hurting someone under the disguise of love. Unfortunately, abuse in the dating setting happens much too often. A third of adolescents are victims of abuse by a dating partner, while 43% of college women experience violent or abusive dating behaviors. Clearly, things can go sour long before moving in together or saying, “I do.”

Dating violence happens in many ways. Most commonly, there can be physical, sexual, verbal or emotional abuse. This doesn’t have to be extreme behavior in order for it to be legitimately abusive. You don’t have to break bones – a slap or a shove is physical violence, too. Rape is one form of sexual assault, but unwanted touching is as well. Verbal abuse may escalate to threats, but can start out with name calling or simply making you feel bad about yourself. Before controlling everything you do, an emotional abuser may start with something seemingly minor, like insisting you dress a certain way or constantly asking about where you are and what you’re doing. Abuse is abuse, no matter the degree, and abuse is wrong.

David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

There is a high emotional and psychological toll to dating violence. It sets up a pattern that allows for future abuse. It increases the risk of drug and alcohol abuse, as well as risky sexual behaviors. These things, if unchecked, can lead to a lifetime of pain. It gets so bad that half of all young people who experience both dating violence and rape attempt suicide. 

You can also experience mental illness as a result of dating violence. Depression, anxiety, phobias, posttraumatic stress disorder and sexual concerns are but a few of the potential results. Even if no specific disorder manifests, therapy may be necessary due to the stress and distortion resulting from being in a violent relationship. 

Unfortunately, leaving these types of relationships can be risky. If someone can hurt you while claiming to love you, you bet (s)he can retaliate if you try to end the relationship. Timing and safety are very important when leaving abusive relationships. This is one reason professional help is important. Creating a safety plan can honestly be a life-saver. If you are experiencing dating violence, talk to your therapist. If you feel you are in immediate danger, call 911. Otherwise, a list of some additional resources are below.

Loveisrespect

www.loveisrespect.com

1-866-331-9474

Text loveis to 22522

Chat available on website

National Domestic Violence Hotline 

www.thehotline.org

1-800-787-3224

Chat available on website

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)

www.rainn.org

1-800-656-4673

Chat available on website

Have you experienced dating violence? Share your stories and advice in the comments.

The Village and Mental Health

R. Buckminster Fuller once said that human beings were not meant to live in an area any larger than a village. This type of community, he believed, afforded us the greatest opportunity for both advancement and mutual protection. This point of view is also appropriate as we consider how to best manage the mental health of students (and ourselves).

College environments are inherently protective, due largely to proximity to others, availability of supportive resources, and the possibility of protective monitoring offered by some offices such as a dean of students or campus police. At the same time college campuses can be very large and, depending on housing features and a student's choices, isolating. Here is where "the village" comes into play.

It takes an entire campus community, the village, to advance and protect students. Too often this responsibility is left solely to certain supportive offices, such as a counseling center. While such services can and do work wonders, going a long way toward the preservation of mental health, they simply cannot and never will be able to accomplish it alone. Just as villagers must cooperate to survive, so all campus constituencies must work together for the sake of its members.

Everyone has a role and no one should be excused from this duty. From salaried administrators to those on hourly wages, each community member has knowledge of and are witness to issues student's face, no matter how remote it may seem. The primary task is to sensitize everyone to this fact, and to give them the tools they need to communicate accordingly. It is the simple buddy system, people. This system has stood the test of time since we all lived in caves, and it still works today.

The single best antidote to a host of emotional health issues and social ills is the proactive involvement of the entire campus community. When we all care for each other and are paying attention, we can resolve seemingly insurmountable problems. We can prevent episodes of depression. We can reduce anxieties. We can prevent suicide.

The training for this approach is available on most campuses. The skills needed are quite elementary and easy to learn. Often, what stands in the way is the attitude that "this is not my job", sometimes borne of an inaccurate assessment of liability. Training can address such myths as well. When you boil it all down, all that is needed is a street-level human response to student concerns. Once others are notified more sophisticated interventions can be arranged and are left in their hands. The work is not difficult to do and, just like CPR, everyone can and should be familiar with it. This ought to be required training on every college campus. And if you really want to address this worldwide, make it a part of the earliest part of all education.

Scientists Create Neurons From Blood Samples

A team of stem cell researchers, led by Mick Bhatia, director of the McMaster Stem Cell and Cancer Research Institute, have discovered that they can convert adult human blood cells into adult sensory neurons.  In other words, they developed a way to take blood samples and turn them into central nervous system and peripheral nervous system neurons.

The central nervous system (CNS) is the part of the nervous system consisting of the brain and spinal cord.  It integrates information it receives from, and coordinates and influences the activity of, all parts of the body and it contains the majority of the nervous system.

The peripheral nervous system (PNS) is the part of the nervous system that consists of the nerves and ganglia outside of the brain and spinal cord. The main function of the PNS is to connect the CNS to the limbs and organs, essentially serving as a communication relay going back and forth between the brain and the extremities. It is divided into the somatic nervous system and the autonomic nervous system.

It is no secret that understanding pain and how to treat it is complex and limited and, until now, scientists have been unable to obtain a piece of a patient’s neural system to learn more.  According to Bhatia,

"We can actually take a patient's blood sample, as routinely performed in a doctor's office, and with it we can produce one million sensory neurons, that make up the peripheral nerves in short order with this new approach. We can also make central nervous system cells, as the blood to neural conversion technology we developed creates neural stem cells during the process of conversion."

In addition, the researchers tested their process using both fresh blood and cryopreserved blood. “Since blood samples are taken and frozen with many clinical trials, this allows them […] to go back and explore questions around pain or neuropathy to run tests on neurons created from blood samples of patients taken in past clinical trials where responses and outcomes have already been recorded."

Consequently, this new perspective will allow researchers to study neurological diseases and improve treatments. It could mean blood tests might one day predict prognoses of certain diseases long before symptoms arise.  This could also mean the discovery of new medications that more effectively treat pain.  In other words, there may come a day when there is no more need for opioids to merely numb pain, which in turn reduces drug dependency.

"You don't want to feel sleepy or unaware, you just want your pain to go away. But, up until now, no one's had the ability and required technology to actually test different drugs to find something that targets the peripheral nervous system and not the central nervous system in a patient specific, or personalized manner."

Therefore, this research not only leads to a better understanding of neurological diseases, but also leads us to more effective, and less harmful, individualized treatment as well as the ability to prevent or delay the onset of neurological problems.

Blood to feeling: Scientists turn adult human blood cells into neurons

© www.mentalhealthblog.com

What Does Your Facebook Status Say About You?

Research from Brunel University in London suggests that people who post frequent status updates relating to their romantic partner or accomplishments are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem.  Facebook appears to be a means to obtain the social inclusion and acceptance certain individuals long for.

The researchers surveyed 555 Facebook users to examine personality traits (extroversion, neuroticism, openness, agreeableness and conscientiousness) as well as explore motivation behind postings. Researchers also studied their degree of self-esteem and narcissism.

The research found:

• People with low self-esteem more frequently posted status updates about their current romantic partner.

• Narcissists more frequently updated about their achievements, which was motivated by their need for attention and validation from the Facebook community. These updates also received a greater number of 'likes' and comments, indicating that narcissists' boasting may be reinforced by the attention they crave. 

• Narcissists also wrote more status updates about their diet and exercise routine, suggesting that they use Facebook to broadcast the effort they put into their physical appearance. 

• Conscientiousness was associated with writing more updates about one's children.

Obviously there is no surprise that Facebook activity reflects one’s personality, however, certain behaviours that are typically not that well tolerated may be rewarded and encouraged when status updates receive more attention via “likes” and “comments”.

For example, many “Facebook friends” may feel obliged to support incessant bragging because others, when in reality they generally find the behaviour nauseating.  This would only perpetuate further narcissistic behaviour.  The same could be said of those relentless “woe is me” status updates or the daily profile picture changes etc.

On the other hand, people that tend to post less frequently could receive less “likes” and “comments”, which could lead to social exclusion and lowered self-esteem.  In other words, Facebook may build up less well-adjusted individuals and break down the stability and security of others.

It would be interesting to see research on the “friends” that respond to such status updates, such as their likeability, personality traits and their own behaviour in the Facebook world.

It might be time to examine our own Facebook activity…

Facebook status updates reveal low self-esteem and narcissism

© www.mentalhealthblog.com

7 reasons I speak up about mental health

Imagerymajestic/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I grew up with a perception of mental health that was skewed in the way I assume it is for a lot of people. I thought you had to be really crazy to see a therapist. I believed that you either did or you didn’t have a mental illness and it didn’t occur to me that it’s really a spectrum that everyone is on. I reckoned that I probably knew a few people with some kind of “mild” mental illness, but didn’t know that one in four Americans struggles with a mental illness in any given year (NAMI). 

Boy, was I wrong about a lot of things. But I didn’t know that until I sought treatment myself and had years of experience in the therapeutic environment. As my progress with mental health increased, I also took classes on psychology in order to better understand what was going on both with myself and with others. And here I am, running a blog about the very topic that I so deeply misunderstood when I was younger.

So what changed for me to go from a stigmatized and uninformed perception to being a voice for the mentally ill? There are a few major factors.

1. I was so confused and even hurt by the mental health system that I didn’t want anyone else to have to navigate it alone and uninformed. I am empathetic and I truly just want to make this process easier for even just one person. 

2. I heard the stories of others. Whether through reading, classes or conversations, I learned about other people with struggles similar to my own. I realized that I am not alone and that when I speak up for myself, I am also standing up for a whole invisible community.

3. I realized that the mentally ill are underrepresented in society at large. Because there is so much stigma, people don’t always speak up. But silence will not change things and I feel like it’s the right path for me to be vocal about this topic. 

4. I was sick of hiding who I am. Trying to keep up a front of everything being okay was exhausting and just made me feel even worse. While I had a lot of fear about being open, everyone who is close to me now knows that I struggle with mental illness and have (eventually) been great in their responses.

5. I want to do my duty as a citizen. They say that when letters and phone calls are being made to politicians, they estimate that each person speaking up represents over 1000 people who feel the same way. I want to bring another 1000 people’s struggles to attention.

6. I want to live in a world where I can say I have a mental illness the same way others can say they have diabetes or a broken leg. I don’t want a negative, judgmental, uninformed and awkward response. I want the same courtesy and sympathy that is given to those with physical illnesses.

7. I don’t want my mental health issues to be meaningless. These are the cards I have been dealt and I choose to play them in a way that can bring hope and healing to others. 

I acknowledge that it’s a difficult topic to speak about and that not everyone wants to do so. I didn’t either, for a long time. That changed and now this is a large part of who I am.

But you don’t have to create a whole blog to be a part of the conversation. Even a single post on your blog draws attention to the topic. Today is Mental Health Month Blog Day, sponsored by the American Psychological Association. If you submit your post about mental health here today, it will be added to a list along with other people’s posts. Even if you don’t submit anything, check it out to see other people’s contributions. The more informed you are, the better you will be able to address the topic of mental health both personally and publicly.

Why do you speak up about mental health? Or what stops you from doing so? Join the discussion in the comments.

Taking risks in therapy

   

Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

We all have something that we don’t like to talk about. While therapy is an appropriate setting to explore these issues, we sometimes hold back on certain things — even in that context — out of fear. “Will I sound crazy?” “Will I be believed?” “What will my therapist think of me?” “What are the consequences of saying this?” “Will my therapist think less of me?“ These questions and more prevent us from being completely open in our treatment. 

But if you never take risks, you won’t progress when it comes to those issues. In fact, they may become worse as feelings of shame, embarrassment, guilt, hostility and unworthiness fester inside of you. The fact that you won’t talk about the topic becomes an issue in and of itself. 

The first obstacle you need to pass is trusting your therapist. You can read more about that here. In short, developing a strong therapeutic alliance in a safe relationship allow you to be more open. Keep in mind the ways in which your therapist has been trustworthy in the past. If you remind yourself of these things, opening up might not seem quite as impossible.

Still, even with trust, it can be hard to explore certain topics. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to talk about a series of events that happened a few years ago. I had been seeing the same therapist I’m seeing now at the time these things happened and my irrational fear was that I’d remember things wrong and become discredited. But I have yet to find a way around those fears. So what could I do?

It got to a point where my only options seemed to be to keep quiet and never heal or to take a risk and see what happened. After years of deliberation, I decided to just go for it and see what would happen. For me, that meant telling the story regardless of my fears. So I did. 

I was not prepared for how well that went. At first, I addressed my concerns about how he might remember things differently than I did. I asked my therapist to not go back and read his notes from the time in question and he agreed to follow my request. This removed a lot of pressure. 

It’s going to take a while to get through everything. And that’s okay. Breaking the larger story into smaller segments allows me to do a little each week. This way I get insight into each part, which helps me understand the larger context at play. While the content is very difficult and, at times, triggering, I’m feeling better about myself and am more realistic about my role in those events.

Jumping in is not always the solution, but I’m pretty sure that at this point in the post, you have a specific issue or situation in mind. Test the waters. See what happens. Be honest about your concerns. You can discuss them before you get to the actual content. But when you’re ready, opening up despite fear can be extremely healing. I know it has been for me.

What risks have you taken in therapy? How did it work out? Tell us about it in the comments.