Are you in (too much) control?

The issue of control is highly related to mental health. Having control makes us feel safe in the world. A lack of it leads to fear and a sense of helplessness. Mental illness can sometimes be traced back to a need to feel more in control, whether it’s in a rational way or not. Here are just a few examples:

   
• Someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder might engage in unusual behaviors because she is under the belief that this will lead to certain outcomes. 
• An eating disorder can be a response to a lack of control of one’s environment, making the body a battleground instead.
• Sometimes, certain personality disorders include attempts to control other people through manipulation or harmful actions, which may or may not be a conscious decision.
• Self-injury can be a way of decreasing distress or other symptoms through taking charge of the pain.
• Depression can worsen when a                                                                                                                                               person believes he has no control  
                                                                                                                                    over his future. 

The question is, how do you learn to control your control? There are no easy answers to that. Trying to do so can create a cycle that can spiral out of control, so to speak, and make things worse. 

So instead of trying to use one controlling action to stop another, look at the original issue. Let’s imagine, for instance, that the root of your control issues is that someone you love has a dangerous physical illness. It’s scary, but you can’t change it. You can’t even really help with the treatment because you’re not her medical team. Lacking control might cause you to attempt to regain it in another area. You might become obsessed about your own health in an attempt to avoid getting ill as well. This can lead into dangerous territory with problems like a severely restricted diet, excessive exercise or taking a large amount of supplements without a doctor’s supervision. 

But the truth is, you can’t control your body completely. You can’t guarantee you will never get sick. Sometimes, it’s unavoidable. So step back and look at what you actually can control. You can decrease your risk of illness by living a healthy lifestyle. This should, however, be done with moderation and a regimen set up with the help of a health care professional.

You might also want to look even further back and think of your loved one. While you can’t provide a cure, you can find other ways of being of assistance. Ask him if he needs someone to drive him to medical appointments. Offer to clean her house. Keep him company while he is bedridden. This is a much healthier and more productive way of managing the emotions her illness have brought up for you. It’s important to recognize that this is actually helping him, whereas you going down a dangerous path with a health obsession does not. 

Sometimes, the best answer is to give the issue some space. Work with your therapist to find ways to manage the anxieties that uncertainty and lacking control bring up. You don’t have to act upon them. Some people find mindfulness and meditation helpful in this regard. Others might think through the situation logically and find some peace that way. Whatever you need to do, decrease the importance of having control. Accept what you cannot change and focus on the things you can do. Again, your therapist can be very helpful in this process.

You don’t have to let your need for control end up controlling you. It’s easier said than done, but gradually working at it one issue at a time will lead to progress. As time passes, it will become easier. You will master the skills you need to respond appropriately to uncertainty. This will lead to a reduction in symptoms and, more importantly, help you become a happier and healthier person.

Have you learned to let go of the need for control? What helped you? Share what worked in the comments.